Before Boston
by javagenesis
Summary: Lorelai and Christopher's marriage is over. Luke loves Lorelai, still. Lorelai never stopped loving Luke. But what does that mean for Luke and Lorelai? Find out in Before Boston.
1. Before Boston

**This is the beginning of a story I've been working on for about a week now. It begins a little while after Lorelai's break up with Christopher and takes a different direction to the show going from there. I hope you like it and the next installment which should be online in about a week, less, if I get it together quick. I will also be posting the next chapter of Crossing The Line soon.**

 **Let me know what you think, thanks, JG.**

* * *

The wedding was only an hour away, and Lorelai Gilmore felt nothing but anxious. It had nothing to do with the fact about who was getting married. She was happy for Gypsy and Andrew, truly.

The real problem that Lorelai Gilmore was facing was the fact that Luke Danes would be there. She hadn't seen him since her marriage with Christopher had fallen apart. The marriage had never been right, for either of them. It certainly didn't help that she had still been in love with Luke when they had eloped in Paris.

Going to the wedding was a big event for her. She would see Luke again and he wouldn't be able to just leave. Lorelai knew he found it difficult to even just look her in the eye but she was hoping they might manage to be friends, or at least stand within a couple of metres of each other for an extended period time, after tonight. Any feelings they had for each other needed to be put aside, she knew that.

She was going to the wedding for Gypsy and Andrew, both of whom had helped her out many, many times since she had moved to Stars Hollow. Gypsy had fixed the Wrangler at a lower price than she would charge anyone else around town and would act like she hadn't done anything to help out the single mother. Andrew had always let her pay for Rory's books whenever she could afford to, and had always been careful to never let Rory suspect anything was wrong. Andrew had kept the bookstore open later so Rory could study if Lorelai was working late and sometimes he would give Rory something to eat, claiming that he couldn't manage to eat all the food he had brought or cooked for himself.

Everything Gypsy and Andrew had done for Lorelai over the years had not been forgotten by the curly haired, blue eyed woman. It was why she had decided she would go to their wedding, regardless of how she was feeling about seeing Luke again.

Lorelai didn't know how awkward things would be between them, and she certainly didn't want to try and force herself on him just because she had never stopped loving him. She had hurt him by going to Christopher after their fight. She couldn't take that night back, no matter how badly she wanted to. Lorelai knew Luke probably hated her still. She would, if she had been in his position. She knew she had done exactly the same thing that Nicole had done to Luke, and she hated herself for it.

Lorelai sighed quietly to herself, turning to look at herself in her floor-length bedroom mirror. She had decided on wearing a cedar coloured dress that had a high waist and a simple v shaped neckline. Lorelai had carefully selected a pair of nude coloured heels, a silver bracelet and a brown shawl to go with her dress. As she looked in the mirror, she couldn't help but wonder if Luke would like her outfit. He had always liked her in blue because it had brought out her eyes but ever since their break-up she had avoided wearing the colour in anyway. Originally she had been going to wear a blue dress, to try and get back to normal, but in the end she had decided against it. The blue coloured dress was a reminder of the night he had let her walk away and it hurt a little too much for her liking. Lorelai ran her hand through her thick curls before reminding herself that Luke's opinion on her clothing no longer mattered and that fact shouldn't matter to her after what she had done to him.

"Mum?" Rory called from downstairs. "Are you ready yet? We should get there early so we get good seats."

"Coming," Lorelai called, turning away from the mirror and reaching for her purse. She headed downstairs to see Rory waiting for her, dressed adorably in a pink and blue floral ensemble. "That dress is cute," Lorelai told her daughter, "Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, at this little store I found in New York. I'll show you next time we meet there," Rory promised her mother with a smile. "Now, let's go," Rory told her mother, giving her a decided push towards the door.

"Alright, alright," Lorelai replied, trying to ignore the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach.

It wasn't long before they had made it to the town square which had been all decked out for the wedding. White bows hung from all the trees and chairs had been placed facing the gazebo where the ceremony was being performed. Fairy lights and beautiful floral arrangements hung from every available surface.

"It looks beautiful," Rory murmured, and Lorelai had to agree.

"It does," Lorelai said softly, imagining herself walking in white down the aisle. A year ago, it had seemed like a reality but now it was nothing more than a bittersweet dream.

"We should go get seats," Rory said, heading towards the chairs. Lorelai followed with a sigh, ignoring the looks she got from Patty and Babette. They were huddled together across the square and they kept looking at her, probably commenting on her outfit or gossiping about her rather amiable divorce… Not that a divorce had been necessary because apparently their elopement in Paris wasn't valid in the state of Connecticut.

Lorelai was still a little bit bitter that her marriage hadn't actually been a marriage to begin with. It was worse that she now knew that Christopher had known that they weren't legally married. It explained why he had been so pushy about renewing their vows at the stupid party her mother had wanted to throw them. Chris hadn't wanted to give her a way out so early in their marriage because he had known that if she had the chance, she would've taken it. And she would've, because eloping with Chris had been one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

Lorelai sat down beside Rory in the seats that she had selected for them. They were only a few rows from the front, near the aisle so they would get a good view of Gypsy when she walked down.

"I can't believe Andrew and Gypsy are getting married," Rory commented, "I mean, they're both so different."

"They are different, but opposites attract and all that," Lorelai weighed in. "Plus, they suit each other. Andrew is bookish and Gypsy is a little more practical. They balance each other out."

"I guess," Rory allowed. "I'm happy for them though. They're so cute together."

"You better not let Gypsy hear you say that; you might end up in the Stars Hollow version of Kid Nation," Lorelai told her daughter seriously.

"That would be bad," Rory said, now frowning.

"Very bad," Lorelai agreed, smiling at the worry lines on Rory's forehead. She loved her serious and studious daughter more than anything. It was good to see that her time away from her mother at Yale hadn't changed her that much.

Seats were beginning to fill up. Lorelai couldn't help but notice that Luke hadn't showed up yet. Patty, Babette and Morey, Kirk and Lulu, Lane and Zach, Mrs. Kim and even Taylor had arrived to celebrate the wedding. Lorelai felt a little relieved that he wasn't there. But then she couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't coming to the wedding, was it because she was?

Lorelai was pulled out of her thoughts when she saw Luke step out of the diner across the square, with his daughter April in tow. The flannel and baseball cap had been traded in for a suit. He looked good, but then, he had always looked good in suits. _Not that he doesn't look good in flannel_ , Lorelai thought to herself.

Luke and April made their way across the square and took seats on the opposite side of the aisle from her and Rory. Lorelai bit her lip and willed herself not to turn her head to get a better look at him. He didn't love her and he didn't want her. Luke had made that very clear. She just had to accept it.

Reverend Skinner took his place on the gazebo steps with Andrew who was looking dapper in a tuxedo. As Pachelbel's "Cannon in D" began to play, Lorelai and Rory stood with the rest of the guests, all craning their necks a little to get a better view of Gypsy as she made her way down the aisle in a dress of ivory brocade.

After the ceremony, the town got ready to party. Out came Patty's Founders Day Punch, and Kirk with his turntable. Half the town were drunkenly dancing away to Kirk's surprisingly okay attempts to be 'off the hizzle' like Twista. Lorelai was on her second martini of the night, sitting at a table by herself as she watched Rory dancing with Lane to Avril Lavinge. Lorelai laughed quietly as she pulled out her phone to video the two of them, knowing they would be mortified about dancing to 'Girlfriend' in the morning. If she was lucky, she might be able to hold it over her daughters head for a couple of days.

Lorelai went to take another sip from her drink before she realized it was empty. She stood with a sigh, and headed to the bar. "Hey, Dave, pour me another?" She asked the bartender, who she had established a first-name basis relationship with since her first trip to the bar.

Dave gave her a nod and set about making another vodka martini for her. Lorelai sighed and turned around as she waited, resting her elbows on the bar as she watched every one dancing. Her eyes found April, dancing in the crowd. The teenager had been a sore spot for Lorelai since she had found out about her existence. It wasn't that April had caused their relationship to fall apart. Luke had done that all by himself when he had decided to keep April's existence from Lorelai for two months and then Lorelai had sealed the deal by sleeping with Christopher after begging Luke to elope with her, in one last desperate attempt to save their relationship.

"Here you go," Dave said, forcing Lorelai to stop thinking about her past regrets. She turned and took her drink from him, telling him, "I'll be back, that I can promise you."

As she turned around, she found herself running smack bang into someone. Strong arms reached out to steady her. The vodka martini slopped around precariously in the glass, threatening to spill over. Lorelai carefully made sure her drink wouldn't spill as she said, "Thanks for rescuing us."

"No problem," Said an all too familiar voice, a little gruff.

Lorelai looked up, already knowing who those strong arms belonged to. "Sorry," She told Luke, suddenly nervous. His blue eyes seemed to drink in her appearance, taking in every detail of her. It was disconcerting to have him looking at her like that again.

"You don't need to apologise," Luke answered.

"Yeah, I do," Lorelai replied, "I should have been more careful." She couldn't help but glance down at his hands, which were still on her waist. Memories of them in similar positions like this flashed through her mind. Their first and second kiss, their first dance, their engagement and the ice skating rink... Then her traitorous mind remembered that Christopher had held her like this on the night she had destroyed her relationship with Luke for good. She flinched at the memory causing Luke to pull his hands away from her hastily, suddenly seeming to remember who exactly he was talking to- the bloody whore of Babylon.

"Sorry," Luke said, his voice sounding a little rougher.

"It's… It's okay," Lorelai responded, eyes now trained on the ground. She didn't know if she could bring herself to look up at his dark blue eyes. It would hurt too much.

"Yeah, well," Luke said, falling silent too.

Lorelai took a moment to force her face to take on a nonchalant expression. "Thanks, again," She told him, looking up at him again but taking care to avoid looking directly into his eyes.

"Honestly, it was no problem," Luke answered her, taking a step back from her.

"How have you been?" Lorelai asked him, over polite. She didn't want their conversation to end, but at the same time, she wished it would just be over already.

Luke seemed a little startled at the question. "Ah, I've been good, y'know. I've been doing a little bit of fishing and stuff like that," He told her, stumbling a little over the words.

"And the diner?" Lorelai asked him, face remaining blank. She didn't want him to know that their awkward encounter was nothing more than a cutting reminder of what they had had before. It had been easy and comfortable, nothing like it was now.

"The diner is good," Luke replied.

"And April? How is she?" Lorelai asked, careful to not stumble over his daughter's name even though saying it felt like lead in her mouth.

"April's good, really good. She's the top of her class at school and she got into another special science camp, which is apparently a big deal," Luke answered, an actual smile forming over his lips. He was a father, and he couldn't help but boast of his child's achievements. "How's Rory?"

Lorelai managed a small smile for him, replying, "Oh, you know Rory. She's doing great at Yale. Thriving, really. She's got a great boyfriend and some great friends and she's getting some great grades."

"Oh, that's good. Is she still with that Logan kid?" Luke inquired.

"Yeah, they're going pretty steady," Lorelai informed him.

"Well, that's great."

"Yeah, it is," Lorelai said softly, the awkward feeling reappearing.

"The wedding was good," Luke commented, trying to find a topic they could talk about without remembering everything.

"The wedding?" Lorelai asked. "Yeah, it was great. The weather was good and Gypsy made a beautiful bride."

"Yeah, she did," Luke said softly. As Lorelai looked at him, she knew that they were both wondering if their wedding would have been like this. Would it have been bright and sunny? Would the whole town have celebrated with them? Probably. The whole town had almost been more invested in their relationship than they themselves had been.

They were both interrupted out of their thoughts by Rory calling for her mother, "Mum! Mum! Gypsy's going to throw her bouquet!"

Lorelai turned her gaze back to Luke and told him, "I better go."

"Yeah," He said, almost sounding a little disappointed that their conversation had come to an end. "Bye, Lorelai."

"Bye, Luke," Lorelai answered, stepping away from him and heading over to the crowd of women who had gathered around the gazebo. Gypsy was standing on the steps, her back turned to them, poised to throw the bouquet.

Rory joined her and asked her mum, "Who do you think will catch it?"

"My money is on Lulu," Lorelai replied, seeing the bubbly woman jumping up and down with excitement. She and Kirk had been together for a while, so Lorelai thought it was only natural that Lulu would be the one to get married next.

"I can see that," Rory answered, her eyes following her mother's gaze.

Lorelai drank her martini in one gulp, not wanting to let any of it go to waste as a result of being pushed and jostled by highly competitive, tipsy women.

"Ready?" Gypsy asked them all. She was answered by the gathered crowd with shrieks of excitement. Gypsy tossed the bouquet over her head, turning quickly to see who would catch it. The bouquet soared through the air. Before she realized what she was doing, Lorelai had put the martini glass on the ground at her feet. Her hands reached up like they had a mind of their own to grasp the bouquet before it flew past her.

"Congratulations, dear," Ms. Patty said, patting her on the shoulder. Lorelai blocked out everyone else's reactions; all the moaning, dejected comments and complaints. She couldn't take her eyes off the perfect white roses and blossoms that made up the bouquet.

Lorelai knew what catching the bouquet meant. Marriage. Destiny. The whole package.

"Mum? Are you okay?" Rory asked her, concerned by the pained expression on her mother's face.

"Here," Lorelai said, pushing the bouquet into Rory's hands roughly. "I have to go."

Lorelai turned away from her daughter and blindly pushed her way through the throngs of the crowd. She ignored her daughter who was calling her to come back, asking if she was alright. She was anything but alright.

 _It's really hard to get married. Believe me, I should know. I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards._

Lorelai dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands, trying her hardest to not cry as all of the hardest memories came back to her.

 _It's not gonna happen, Mum. Me and Luke. The wedding. It's not gonna happen._

Lorelai made it to the bar, and gestured for Dave to make her another martini.

 _The crazy thing is, I am ready to get married. I am ready to start the next phase in my life. I want another kid. And I… I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to be patient. I've been patient long enough. I'm not happy and I feel crappy all the time._

Dave handed her the drink and she downed again in one gulp, pushing it back towards Dave so he could refill it. He did, but looked at her with a frown on his forehead as he handed it back to her.

 _Let's elope… We've been waiting and putting it off, and I don't want to out it off anymore… Now is the right time. It's the right time because it's now… Don't you love me?... I love you, Luke. I love you. But I have waited and I have stayed away and I have let you run this thing, and no more… I'm going crazy here. I made a commitment to you and I need to make it happen… I've been skulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion, like I'm Clarence Thomas or something and I… I'm done with that. I've been waiting a long time and I don't want to wait anymore… I'm not waiting! It's now or never!_

This time, Lorelai sipped from it, feeling the calming effects of the alcohol swirling through her.

 _There is no us. There's you and there's me. It's over. It was over last night and it's over now. It's over._

Her heart rate slowed as a result of the alcohol and her mind numbed the pain she was feeling.

 _Luke and I are over. It wasn't just a fight. It was him, not fighting, for me. I need it to be over. I need this to be over because… I can't take this anymore. Because it hurts too much. It hurts too much._

Loving Luke was hard, but remembering was so much harder.

"Hey, are you okay?" That all too familiar gruff voice asked her. She felt his hand rest on her shoulder, obviously concerned by her sudden decision to consume alcohol like there was no tomorrow.

Lorelai couldn't help but flinch at his touch. Too many memories, too much pain. "I'm fine," She snapped at him, pulling away from him, her hand still wrapped tightly around the stem of her glass.

"Lorelai, you don't look fine," Luke told her, ignoring her rude response. She could almost hear him frowning.

"Well, I am, okay?" Lorelai snapped again, starting to walk away from him.

"Lorelai, come on," Luke said, following her.

"Leave me alone, Luke," Lorelai told him, hearing his footsteps behind her.

"No," Luke told her firmly.

"Argh," Lorelai answered, flinging her arms out in annoyance. She took another sip of her martini as she walked, each step accentuating her anger.

"Lorelai, come on," Luke cajoled, "You're being ridiculous. Just talk to me. Obviously something's bothering you, let me help, please."

"Nothing's wrong, nothing's bothering me. And even if there was, why would I let you help? You haven't spoken to me in months. You don't care, you never did, so just leave me alone," She said, her anger evident in her voice.

"God, Lorelai," Luke said, reaching out and grabbing hold of her arm so she couldn't keep walking away from him.

" _What do you want_?" Lorelai asked him harshly, looking up at him with a scowl on her face.

"I want to help," Luke answered simply, his forehead wrinkled in concern for her and his eyes looking into hers, imploring her to let him help her with whatever it was that was bothering her.

"Well, you can't unless you've suddenly developed powers to turn back time in the last 30 seconds," Lorelai shot back snarkily.

"That I haven't done, but just talk to me," Luke told her. "I'll help in any way I can."

"Sorry, Mr. Fix-It. This you can't fix," Lorelai responded.

"Let me be the judge of that."

Lorelai looked up at him, debating whether or not she should just tell him what the problem was. He didn't seem like he was going to leave anytime soon. "I caught Gypsy's bouquet," Lorelai informed him, voice quiet.

Luke frowned, obviously trying to work out why in the world that would upset her.

"Oh, come on, Luke," Lorelai said, annoyed that he didn't just understand, "Why the hell would I be upset over catching a bouquet at a wedding? Why the hell is that significant?"

He blinked a couple of times before it seemed to dawn on him, "Because you were married to Christopher and now you're not…"

Lorelai rolled her eyes, "Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. Now can I go?"

"Lorelai," Luke started, "Did you, um, want to talk? I mean, I've been married and then divorced so I know, kind of, what you're going through.'

"I do not want to talk about _that_ , with you, of all people, Luke," Lorelai responded, sighing and turning her head.

"Well, um, do you want to do something then?" Luke asked her, scratching his head as he tried to make sense of the situation. She was confusing him. Lorelai had always been confusing, that was for sure, but in the last five minutes her emotions had been changing so fast he could barely process any of it.

Lorelai shrugged, "Like what?"

"Like, I don't know," Luke said, turning his head to look around for something that could entice her out of the mood she was in. His eyes fell on the dance floor that was filled with Stars Hollow residents dancing like there was no tomorrow. "Um, dance? You like to dance, right?"

Lorelai turned to look at him again sharply, her eye narrowing as she took in his expression, "I do like to dance," she allowed before reminding him, "But you don't. Actually, you hate to dance."

"I guess I never really liked to, but it was okay whenever I danced with you as long as you didn't dance too spazzy," Luke responded.

"I do not dance spazzy," Lorelai told him, frowning.

"Yeah, you do," He told her, smiling a little. "So, you want to dance or not?" Luke asked, offering her his hand.

Lorelai considered whether or not she should. She loved to dance, it was fun and exhilarating. And it was certainly a good distraction. You didn't have to think about anything when you danced, besides where you were putting your feet. On the other hand though, she would be dancing with Luke. She couldn't remember the last time she had danced with Luke. She remembered dancing with him at Liz's wedding on their first kind-of date and then dancing with him at her parents vow renewal. That was about it, though.

She let out a sigh, deciding it couldn't hurt too much, "Sure, why not?" Lorelai took his hand, letting him lead her in the direction of the dance floor. As they passed a table, Lorelai put her glass down figuring it wouldn't make it very easy to dance with Luke.

The song that was playing wasn't too fast or too slow. Luke turned to face her, pulling her a little closer so he could put one hand around her waist while keeping hold of her hand in his other one. They started to dance to the music, moving to the music together. They didn't stand too close to one another, too aware of everything that had ever happened between them to even dare to move closer.

"Thanks for distracting me," Lorelai told him, managing a smile.

"It was no problem, really," Luke replied, brushing off her thanks.

"Well, I'm grateful either way," Lorelai answered.

They fell back into a peaceful silence, both concentrating on dancing together with a little bit of pep in their step. It wasn't a slow dance kind of song. Luke spun Lorelai away from him and then back again, earning him a big smile from her. He did it again, this time earning him a laugh.

"Better?" Luke asked her.

"Yeah," Lorelai said with a smile.

They fell back into silence, both secretly enjoying the familiarity of each other.

The song faded out into a slow song, instantly changing the atmosphere on the dance floor.

"You want to keep dancing?" Luke asked, brows raised.

Lorelai nodded, but added politely, "Only if you want to." She was aware how much the mood had changed on the dance floor, so she had given him an out if he wanted out. She was not forcing this on him, no matter how nice it was to have his arms around her.

"I don't mind," Luke answered, slowing their dance down so it matched the pace of the song.

He pulled her a little closer, because it felt right. Lorelai could smell his cologne mixed in with the scent of coffee and fries. All of the memories came back to her in a rush. Her sheets had used to smell just like him. Her clothes had smelt like him for weeks after they had split up, no matter how many times she had tried to wash the scent away. Every kiss and every touch they had ever shared, was now heightened in her memory by his proximity to her.

Lorelai's grip on his shoulder loosened a little, and slid down to rest on his chest. She found herself staring at his shoulder, only then noticing just how close they were. Suddenly in her mind she was transported back to three years ago. Everything was the same but everything was so very different at the same time. They were wearing different clothes, dancing to a different song during an entirely different wedding in a different year but somehow it felt the same. The way he was holding her felt the same. The way she could feel his eyes on her felt the same. The way he smelt was the same and the way she could feel his breath on her hair felt the same. Their bodies were pressed together in exactly the same a way; a perfect fit. Lorelai swallowed hard as she felt tears prick her eyes. He was everything she wanted but the one person she couldn't have.

Lorelai stuck it out for the next couple of minutes till the song was over. But then it switched to another slow song, and Luke didn't let her go or make any move to end their dance. She bit her lip, not wanting to say anything. As much as she loved him for what he was doing for her, for caring, it hurt too much to let him hold her like he was.

She rested her head against his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't be able to feel the few tears that managed to escape. Luke said nothing if he noticed that his suit jacket was now a little damp with salty tears, but only rested his head against hers. He turned his head after a moment and pressed his lips to her dark curls. Lorelai couldn't take it anymore.

"Don't," She told him softly.

"Don't what?" Luke asked, his voice just as quiet.

"Don't hold me like that, don't touch me like that, don't kiss me like that," Lorelai explained to him, pulling away from him as much as she could considering his arms were still firmly around her.

"Lorelai, what's…" Luke started to ask, then saw the tears in her eyes. "Oh, Lorelai," He said softly, suddenly at a loss for what to say to her.

"Just don't, please don't," Lorelai said finally, pulling away from him again. This time, he let her go. Lorelai moved away from him as fast as she could, wiping her tears away. She couldn't believe she had danced with him like that. She couldn't believe that _he_ had danced with her like that, especially after everything. It wasn't right. It wasn't right to just make her remember. It wasn't right to make her feel all of that again; all the pain and the self pity and the self hatred for being so weak and for needing him like she did. He probably didn't even know that his mere touch was enough to cause her pain. If he did know, it was just cruel.

Lorelai found the table she had been sitting at earlier and grabbed her purse and shawl. She needed to get home as fast as she could.

"Mum?" Rory asked from behind her.

Lorelai spun around, hoping her eyes weren't too red or puffy. "Yeah, sweets? I'm just heading home. Tired, too much to drink, y'know?"

"Mum, you don't look okay…" Rory said, frowning as she saw her mums tear stained face. "What happened? I couldn't find you after the bouquet throwing."

"I went to the bar," Lorelai answered truthfully.

"I looked there as well," Rory told her, clearly expecting more of an explanation.

"I went for a walk and then I danced for a bit," Lorelai finally responded.

Rory nodded, saying, "I know, I saw you dancing with Luke. Is that what made you upset? Did he hurt you or say something?"

Lorelai shook her head, "No, no, nothing like that."

"Then why have you been crying, mum?" Rory asked, "And why did you run away after you caught the bouquet?"

"Too many memories," Lorelai admitted quietly. "I think it's time for bed before I get drunk and start doing stupid and embarrassing things I will regret in the morning so I'm just going to head home."

"Okay, did you want me to come home with you?" Rory inquired. She didn't like the fact that her mother was crying. She didn't cry very often but when she did, it was usually pretty serious.

"No, no," Lorelai said, a little bit too quickly. "You stay here, have fun. I'll be fine."

"Alright, but call if you need anything," Rory ordered, hugging her mum tight.

"I will, I will," Lorelai lied to her daughter, kissing her forehead before pulling away. "Bye sweets."

"Bye, mum," Rory replied, watching her mum walk away quickly and purposefully in the direction of their home. She was worried about her mum but she knew that she wouldn't talk to her until she was ready.

Rory wasn't the only one watching Lorelai's hasty exit from the wedding reception. Luke's eyes followed her until her figure faded into the darkness of the night. He sat down at a chair with a beer, wondering what to do. It was clear he had upset Lorelai somehow. He had only been trying to make her happy, but it only ended in her crying which was hard for him to see. Luke had only seen Lorelai cry a few times in his life, and every time he did, it was disturbing to see one of the strongest people he knew break down and be vulnerable.

* * *

Lorelai fumbled with the lock on the door of her house for a little, before she finally managed to open the door. She headed straight upstairs, throwing her purse and shawl on the bed. She kicked off her shoes, immediately changing into a pair of sweatpants and an old 'Walk Like An Egyptian' Bangles t-shirt.

It took her a while to decide whether to head back downstairs or climb into her bed. In the end she decided that downstairs was the better option. She couldn't look at her bed without remembering Luke inhabiting the bed, closely followed by memories of Christopher.

Lorelai sat on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around herself, letting herself cry for the first time in what felt like forever. She was crying for all the mistakes she had made, she was crying for her failed marriage and for her failed engagement, but most of all she was crying because she was all alone again. The whole package had slipped through her fingers again.

She cried for a good hour, letting herself grieve for everything she had lost. Lorelai rubbed the last of her tears away, feeling like now was a good time to commence a good, long wallow. Her fingers felt like sandpaper against her eyelids. Lorelai sighed, standing and heading to the kitchen. Ben and Jerry's was the only thing that would make her feel a little better. After grabbing a tub of Chunky Monkey and a couple of plastic spoons, Lorelai headed back to her place on the couch.

Lorelai sat in silence. She ate spoonful after spoonful of ice cream, not turning on the television because she didn't feel like crying again just yet. The ice cream wasn't making her feel as good as it usually did during a wallow. She was trying to figure out why exactly it wasn't helping much when she heard a knock at the door.

Lorelai put down her ice cream and stood, heading to the door rather slowly. Whoever was at the door knocked again, a little louder and more insistent than the first time.

"Hold on to your horses," Lorelai muttered as she opened the door to reveal Luke.

His eyes looked her up and down once before he asked her, "Phish Food?"

"Chunky Monkey," Lorelai corrected.

Luke nodded, as if it somehow made sense to him why she had chosen Chunky Monkey over the other flavours in her freezer. "Can I come in?" Luke questioned. Lorelai said nothing, just stepped aside and granted him admittance.

"Thanks," He said, before asking, "Can we talk?"

"Couch or the table?"

"The couch is fine."

Lorelai led Luke to the couch, sitting down on it again. Luke sat at the opposite end of the couch, just watching her.

"What did you want to talk about?" Lorelai asked him after a couple of minutes of silence.

"Something you said earlier. I couldn't get it out of my head," Luke told her before remarking, "You've been crying. You're eating Chunky Monkey. You're pre-wallow wallowing."

Lorelai nodded silently.

"Well, earlier I guessed that you were upset about catching the bouquet because of Christopher. You said, "Let's go with that." But you said it like that wasn't the reason you were upset," Luke told her. "I was trying to figure out what exactly you meant. If you weren't upset over him, then what were you upset about?"

"I didn't mean anything by it," Lorelai told him, dodging the question. "I was upset about Chris."

"But he wasn't the only thing you were upset about, Lorelai. You can't pretend he was, otherwise you would be having Phish Food, not Chunky Monkey. Phish Food is for wallowing. Chunky Monkey is for pre-wallowing, which you don't have unless you're upset about more than one thing," Luke said. "Just tell me, please. I just want to know."

"No, you don't want to know," Lorelai responded. "It will only make you angry, or sad, and I don't want to cause you any more pain than I already have. I appreciate you coming over and all, but it was unnecessary. Thanks again," She said, standing up, ready to see him out.

Luke didn't move from his seat. "I want to know Lorelai, and I'm not going anywhere until you tell me."

Lorelai sighed, and sat back down dejectedly. God, he was stubborn.

"Tell me," Luke instead again, after realising she wasn't going to say anything without a push.

"I was remembering, Luke, and it hurt too much," Lorelai told him quietly.

"I'm going to need a bit more than that," Luke answered, frowning as he looked over at her.

Lorelai sighed. "As soon as I got to the wedding, all I could think about was whether our wedding would have been like that. Would it have been sunny? Would the whole town show up and be overly enthusiastic? Would they spend hours setting up and decorating for us? And then everyone else was sitting down, and you weren't there. I thought you weren't coming for a moment and I couldn't help but think it was because of me. I thought you must still hate me so much if you couldn't manage a few hours of being within a few metres of me for Andrew and Gypsy's sakes. And then you showed up and you had April. I just remembered everything. Next thing I knew Gypsy was walking down the aisle and Andrew was crying because she looked so beautiful. Then I'm catching that stupid bouquet and it's a huge reminder that I'm a failure. I've never managed to stay in a relationship for long. I mean, I was engaged to Max than I dated that Alex guy, Jason, and Christopher was flitting in and out of my life like a manic butterfly, and I let him because I'm Mary bloody Magdalene. I dated you then we broke up then we got back together. We were engaged and then I screwed that up by forcing you to choose between me and April, which I shouldn't have done because I know you can't choose. I wouldn't be able to choose between you and Rory. Anyway, you never would have made me choose. You were never that selfish. I was so caught up in everything and I was hurting so much because I loved you and you didn't seem to love me, or want to marry me so I went to Christopher because it was the only way to end it. It was the only way to make you hate me enough to let me go and let me not feel all the pain I was feeling. And then I married Christopher because I wanted to get married and I wanted another kid. I wanted the whole package so badly. Then of course I screwed that up too. I didn't love Christopher. I didn't want to marry him or have another kid with him because I couldn't depend on him, I couldn't trust him and he wasn't you, no matter how much I wished he was. I had never stopped loving you. I had never dealt with the fact that it was over between us. I didn't wallow. So tonight at the wedding, when you touched me it just hurt too much and I still wasn't ready to deal with all. Then we were dancing and I was smiling and laughing and it all felt so right. Then that slow song came in and I just remembered it all. I didn't want you to touch me. I was dirty. I was gross and bad for you. I sure as hell didn't deserve you trying to look after me and make me feel better, for whatever reason you thought you had to. I mean, it's not like I owe you anything. I was stupid and selfish and…" Lorelai trailed off mid-babble, trying to find the right words to finish her monologue. "And I didn't wallow," She finished lamely. She had nothing else to say to him.

It was embarrassing as it was, admitting everything that had gone through her head in the last few hours. But his silence made it all feel a hundred times worse. Had she said too much? Did he hate her even more for only thinking of herself? For being selfish?

"Luke?" Lorelai asked after five minutes more of silence. His face was expressionless and gave away absolutely nothing about what he was feeling or thinking.

"Just processing," He told her softly.

"Oh, okay," Lorelai replied, leaning back on the sofa and letting him think. Pushing him to say what he was thinking or feeling would not help the situation. It was what had caused her to lose him not once, but twice. She was too impatient, too pushy... too Lorelai.

"You were upset because you were remembering?" Luke questioned finally after another ten minutes,

"Yes."

"You still love me... After... After everything?"

"Yes."

"I hurt you? When I touched you? When we were dancing?"

"Not physically, but yes."

Luke fell silent again, letting her answers sink in. "I'm sorry," he told her.

"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the idiot who didn't wallow," Lorelai responded.

"For hurting you like I did today. For never apologising, because I know I pushed you away and I used April to do it. I know I pushed you to go to him. Most of all though, I'm sorry for letting you think I hated you because you should never have thought I could ever, in a million years, hate you, Lorelai," Luke explained, looking at her carefully to gauge her reaction.

Lorelai couldn't help the few tears that managed to escape her eyes again. He didn't hate her? He _couldn't_ hate her? What did that even mean? She was so relieved that he didn't hate her but she couldn't understand why. She had done everything humanly possible to make him hate her.

"Why are you crying, Lorelai?" Luke asked, moving closer and putting his hand on her shoulder. "Did I do something wrong again? I'm sorry, I really am. I don't want to make you cry."

"You did nothing wrong," Lorelai said, shaking her head. His words had had only just made her want to cry more. She wiped at her eyes, but it did nothing to make the flow of tears ebb. "You don't hate me?" She asked, her voice small and unbelieving.

"No, of course not," Luke replied.

"Oh, okay," Lorelai responded weakly, just accepting his answer, wiping at her eyes again. Luke had never lied to her face before and there was no reason to think he was now.

Luke reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He held it out to her and watched as she hesitated a moment before accepting it. Lorelai wiped at her eyes careful, letting out a big breathe of air when she was done.

"Thank you."

"No problem."

"I'm sorry too," Lorelai admitted, looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

"Sorry? What for?" Luke asked, his face a puzzled frown.

"Sorry for going to Christopher that night, and never apologising. I know it was wrong, and there isn't really any excuse for it. I pulled a 'Nicole', and that wasn't fair on you at all. I'm sorry for pushing you too, for trying to make you marry me when you weren't ready," Lorelai apologised, shrugging her shoulders a little. She didn't know why she hadn't told him this ages ago because he deserved to know just how sorry she was about the way she had ended things between them.

Luke paused before he said anything, wanting to process her apology. "I was ready, to marry you, I mean. I was just confused and I didn't realise exactly how much you were hurting or how much you needed me to be there for you. I should've just jumped," He responded finally.

"No, you shouldn't have," Lorelai amended, "You don't jump into things like I do. You shouldn't have felt like you needed to change to be with me. It wasn't fair what I was asking, no matter how upset or desperate I was."

Luke nodded, understanding what she was saying. They fell into a long silence again, neither feeling the need to keep talking about all of their regrets just then.

"Do you want me to go?" Luke asked eventually.

Lorelai turned her head in surprise, "No, it's fine. Stay for a bit longer. You can have some Chunky Monkey too if you want." She reached for the tub, and held it out to him.

Luke laughed and shook his head. "I wouldn't touch that crap for a million dollars, Lorelai. It rots your insides and probably gives you cancer. You're killing yourself quicker with every spoonful."

"But at least I'll die young and pretty," Lorelai quipped.

Luke couldn't help but smile as Lorelai dug her spoon into the container and ate a mouthful of the stuff.

"Young and obese," He countered.

"Nope. I'm a miracle. I should be studied like E.T. and revered like Buddha," Lorelai replied, after a second mouthful.

Luke just shook his head. It felt comfortable to be joking around with her, even though their conversation had been so heavy and full of meaning a short while ago.

A bit of chocolate was smeared on the bottom of her lip, so Luke leaned over to wipe it, just like he would have done twelve months ago when they had been together. It was an automatic reaction, and he didn't think about it for a second till he feel her tense up at his touch.

He froze, his thumb still mid wipe. "Sorry," Luke whispered, still not moving away. His eyes were glued to hers, suddenly remembering just how amazingly blue they could be.

"Not your fault," Lorelai whispered back, her eyes trained on his.

Luke hesitated a second before leaning in to kiss her. Lorelai met him halfway. The kiss was gentle and soft, and lasted for only a moment before Luke pulled away a little again, blinking a little in confusion about what happened.

Lorelai couldn't work out exactly what had just happened either. He had kissed her? And she had wanted him to? Nothing was making any sense. They were barely even friends. How could they be kissing? Before she had the chance to work it out, Luke leaned in to kiss her again. Lorelai responded to him without thinking. Kissing him was second nature to her. She felt him pull the tub of ice cream out of her hands and put it on the table, never moving his lips from hers.

The kiss heated up. His hands were in her hair and her hands found themselves around his neck, her fingers playing with the soft curls at the back of his neck. Luke pulled her closer so she was sitting on his lap. His lips moved down her neck. Lorelai let out a soft moan as one of his hands slipped under her shirt, drawing small circles on her skin. She pressed herself into him, needing, wanting his touch.

Lorelai captured his lips with hers again as she started to push his jacket of his shoulders. He helped her by shrugging it off. Her nimble fingers moved to the buttons of his shirt, undoing them quickly. Luke's hands rested on the hem of her t-shirt for a moment before decidedly pulling the fabric up and over her head, tossing it to the floor. Lorelai rested her hands on the soft curls of his bare chest, tangling her fingers in the fine hairs. His lips travelled down her neck again. Lorelai couldn't help but let out another moan. It felt so good, so strangely right.

"I love you," Luke whispered against the skin of her neck.

Lorelai froze, any desire she felt evaporating into thin air.

"What?" She choked out, pulling away from him. Had she really been about to sleep with him, without even considering what it meant? Without considering how it would feel when it was all over? _God, I should have a scarlet "A" tattooed on my forehead as a warning for all the unsuspecting men in the world_.

Luke looked at her, confused by her reaction. "I love you," He repeated, "I never stopped. I don't think I ever will."

Lorelai stared at him. She couldn't believe she had been kissing him. All of the pain she had been feeling suddenly came back. Lorelai stood up, and picked up her shirt from the ground. "Oh my god," she said in a whisper, as she pulled the Bangles shirt back over her head. "Oh. My. God. I was going to sleep with you. After everything I did with Christopher, I was going to sleep with you. I put Belle Watling to shame. Even after all the pain and hurt, I was still going to sleep with you without giving it a second thought," she said, uncomprehending.

"Lorelai," Luke said, standing, reaching out for her.

"No, Luke. I can't… No, _we_ , can't do this," Lorelai told him, stepping back out of his reach.

"But I love you," Luke said. It was more of a statement than anything else. There was no question as to whether he loved her or not. He couldn't hate her, and he couldn't not love her. "And you love me. You said so before any of this happened, Lorelai. You can't say you don't love me. I _love_ you."

"I know that you love me now," Lorelai responded softly, gently. "But we can't do this. I love you, too, Luke. I've never stopped. But I can't deal with any of this. It hurts too much. I hurt you too much and you hurt me too much. We were never meant to be together. It just wasn't right. No matter how much we love each other, it will never be right."

"I'm not going anywhere, Lorelai," Luke told her. He wasn't going to let her end them all over again, before they even managed to get started again.

"Yes, you are. You are going back to the apartment. You are leaving me right now and going back to April, because she is your daughter and you should be with her right now," Lorelai told him.

"April is with Rory, she's safe. I'm not going anywhere," Luke responded firmly.

Lorelai ignored the pain she felt when he told her he had left April with Rory. It was a reminder that he trusted Rory with his daughter more than he ever trusted April with her, and it hurt. "Well, I'm not doing this with you, Luke. It just hurts too much," She replied.

"Lorelai, this is our wormhole. We can be together. Third times a charm- people still say that, right?- and all of that crap," Luke said, trying to convince her that they could be an 'us' again.

"Our wormhole?" Lorelai asked, confused about what exactly he was referencing. It wasn't any movie she had shown him that was for sure. Maybe it was a Trekkie thing..

Luke shook his head at her confusion. It didn't matter. "You can't just decide that this is over, Lorelai. We are both in this. You do not get to decide for the both of us."

"Yes, I do. I do because it hurts too much to even try, Luke. Can't you see how much it hurts to tell you no? Can't you see that I want you to kiss me again? That I want to try again? But we just can't Luke. It will hurt too much and when it's over again, it will be over forever and I won't survive it this time. I'm not strong when it comes to you."

"Lorelai, I won't let us screw it up," Luke told her, trying to understand where she was coming from and trying to reassure her that it would all be okay. He got that they had a history, but most of it was a good history. It was clear to him that things weren't resolved between them, and in his mind, they owed it to themselves to try again.

"I'm sorry, Luke, I have to go," Lorelai said, heading to the door and walking out. She couldn't stand to be in the house anymore. There were too many ghosts haunting the halls. She could tell he didn't intend to leave anytime soon, so it was far easier to just decide that she was the one who would be leaving instead.

Luke followed Lorelai, not accepting her just walking away again. He had walked away from her before and she had walked away from him too. It hadn't ended well for either of them. "Don't go," He implored.

"I have to," Lorelai replied as she walked quickly down the front steps of the porch, knowing that if he had the chance he would grab a hold of her arm or her waist and she wouldn't be able to resist him. When it came to Luke Danes, she had little in the way of a will to hold out for very long.

"I'm not going anywhere. I will stay here all night for you to come back, Lorelai. I'm not giving up on us again not ever," Luke informed her.

"I know," Lorelai told him, "That's why I'm not going to give you any other choice."

Luke didn't understand what she meant by that. He didn't even have the chance to try and figure it out because she had already walked across the lawn to the Wrangler. Lorelai got in the car without a word. She started the car and then reversed out of the drive, refusing to look at Luke who was standing on the porch just watching her leaving him again. There was a finality about her leaving this time and it scared him. "I love you," Luke called, unable to do anything else. He couldn't stop the car and he couldn't stop her. She was too stubborn. "I love you, and I'll always be here, in Stars Hollow, Lorelai."

Lorelai heard every word. It was all that she could do to not jump out of the car and run back to him. But the truth was, if she stayed and let herself try again, she would just end up a bigger mess than she already was. "I love you too," She whispered as she turned out of the drive and out onto the street.

Luke watched the lights of the car disappear before he went back inside. He shut the door behind him and headed into the lounge. He grabbed the half eaten tub of Chunky Monkey and returned it to the freezer in the kitchen, practical as ever. Luke then buttoned up his half undone shirt and looked around the empty house. He noticed the small changes, ones that Christopher had probably made. The new television was the most obvious addition. It was grossly flashy and weirdly arrogant in Lorelai's understated and simple living room. It didn't fit. It was reassuring in that moment to notice that Christopher Hayden had never fit in here, in the world of the Gilmore Girls, not like he had.

He pursed his lips before he reached for his phone to call Rory. Luke told Rory that her mum had left, and no, he didn't know where she had gone. Rory told him that she would be there in a few minutes and she would bring April with her. Luke sat down to wait, yet again wondering what Lorelai had meant by the fact that she was not going to give him 'another choice.'

* * *

Lorelai drove with tears in her eyes, trying not to think about the forlorn expression on Luke's face as she had driven away. Driving away from him had been one of the hardest things she had ever done, because this time, she intended it to be the last time she ever saw him. Luke was a clear temptation and she couldn't avoid or forget him if she stayed in Stars Hollow. So Lorelai was doing the opposite of what she had done over 20 years ago. She was running to Hartford.

Briefly she had considered seeking refuge with Sookie, but it was too obvious. Luke would think to look there. Patty and Babette were out of the question; the news of her and Luke would be around town in ten minutes. Lorelai had also considered ringing Rory, and asking if she could hide out with her in New Haven until she figured out what to do, but again, it had been far too obvious. Plus, she would have to explain to Rory why she was running away and she wasn't ready to face her daughter's questioning and concerned blue eyes just yet.

Her parents house hadn't changed at all since Lorelai had left twenty years ago. It was still imposing and eerie to look up at. But right then, Lorelai noticed as she looked up at the building, it didn't look quite like the prison she remembered it being. Right then, it looked like a haven.

Lorelai let out a shaky breath before she walked up purposefully to the front door. She rung the bell and waited with bated breath for someone to come to the door. When the door opened, it revealed the formidable face of Emily Gilmore.

"Lorelai, what are you doing here? It's getting awfully late, I was just about to go to bed," Emily told her daughter, brows raised and trying not to look concerned by her daughters less than presentable appearance.

Lorelai managed a crooked smile for her mother, and asked, "Could I stay here tonight?"

"Well, yes, but..." Emily began, but stopped when Lorelai quickly stepped past her into the house.

"Thanks, mum," Lorelai told her mother as she heard Emily shut the front door. Lorelai turned to face her and said, "I'm sorry it's so late. You can go upstairs to bed now, I can take care of myself."

"Lorelai," Emily said her daughter's name with a sigh, "Why are you here?"

Lorelai took a moment to decide whether she should just tell Emily the truth or not. "I just needed to get out of the house. I couldn't go to Sookie's or anyone else's because it was too obvious, so I came here," Lorelai explained.

"What do you mean you needed to get out of the house, and what is too obvious?" Emily asked, a frowning now marking the older women's usually impassive face.

Lorelai let out a sigh. She should've known that Emily wouldn't let her stay without prying into why she had come to the Gilmore mansion of all places. "Luke and I... Well, he was there, at my house. I knew he wasn't going to leave without a fight, so I decided to leave so he didn't have to. I came here because Luke would think to look for me at Sookie's. He would think to call Rory, but he wouldn't think to come here looking for me," Lorelai told her mother, honest about why she had showed up so late and looking like she did.

"You've been crying," Emily noted, not responding to her daughter's explanation.

"Yes, I have," Lorelai agreed, "Very astute."

"What are you going to do, after tonight, Lorelai?" Emily then asked, ignoring the quip too.

Lorelai shrugged in response. "I don't know. I mean, if I go back to Stars Hollow, he'll still be there waiting for me and I can't deal with all the pain that comes with that again. But it's my home and it's Rory's home. If I don't go back, everyone will know. I've got the Dragonfly to worry about too," Lorelai said, heading into the living room.

Emily followed behind her. "Well, you can stay here for as long as you need," Emily told Lorelai, taking a seat beside her on the sofa.

"Thanks, mum," Lorelai said, genuinely touched by the gesture.

"But I think you should go away for a bit," Emily added.

Lorelai looked at Emily in confusion, "Go away? Where and why?"

"Go away to Europe, or to the Bahamas. Wherever, I don't know. But go to figure out how you're feeling and what you want. You're running away right now so you might as well run to a place where you can think a little more clearly," Emily suggested.

"Shall I run away to Las Vegas like Nomi? It kind of worked out for her," Lorelai mused, forgetting for a moment she was speaking to her mother.

"I don't know what you're talking about but I hope you'll go somewhere a little more tasteful than Las Vegas, Lorelai," Emily informed her daughter with a slight scowl.

Lorelai couldn't help but smile a little. Of course she wouldn't get the reference. "I can't go," Lorelai said finally after considering upping and disappearing as an option.

"Why not?" Emily asked.

"Because all of my stuff is in Stars Hollow, I can't afford it, Rory, the Dragonfly..." Lorelai replied, listing the reasons off on her fingers.

"I can send the maid to pick up your things tomorrow, your father and I can front you the money, Rory will understand and I'm sure you can take a holiday from the Dragonfly on short notice. You do own the place after all," Lorelai's mother pointed out.

Lorelai's eyes widened, "I can't take your money, mum."

"Of course you can, because the money we would give you would be yours anyway. We'd just grant you access to your inheritance, and then you could be off," Emily explained.

"My inheritance? I always just assumed Rory would get it all," Lorelai commented.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Lorelai. You're our only child. It all goes to you and then to Rory," Emily responded with a roll of her eyes. "I'll leave the number of our travel agent on the table for you in the morning if you wish to use it. You should also ring Rory, and let her know you're alright. Now I'm going to bed and you should go soon too. You look like you need a good long sleep," Emily informed Lorelai, standing and starting to leave the room.

Lorelai watched her mother walk away, saying, "Good night, mum," just before she left the room.

Emily paused for a second then responded with, "Good night, Lorelai." Emily continued her exit, leaving Lorelai alone with her thoughts.

Going away for a while sounded like a good idea. It would be a whole lot easier to avoid everyone, avoid Luke, if she was thousands of miles away. But could she actually just go? Lorelai brushed further thoughts of travelling from her mind, deciding now would be a good time to ring Rory like her mother had suggested.

Lorelai dialled Rory's number on her cellphone. Rory didn't answer so Lorelai left her daughter a message on her voicemail instead, "Hey, Rory, my favourite offspring. I don't know if you've gone home yet or not, but if you have you've probably found Luke hanging around. If you haven't, I'm guessing he'll still be there when you do eventually go home. I won't be there because I've sought refuge in a far, far away land. I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay and safe. I also probably won't be coming back to the Crap Shack for a while but I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, I love you and I'll ring you tomorrow."

Then Lorelai rang Sookie and left a similar message on her answering machine, letting her know she wouldn't be going to work tomorrow and possibly for a while because she was considering taking a few weeks off and going on a holiday.

After that Lorelai made herself walk up the staircase to her old bedroom. Methodically, Lorelai took off her jeans and unclipped her bra. She left her t-shirt and underwear on then slipped under the covers of her bed. She lay on her side, staring blankly at the wall until she felt tears prick her eyes. The tears fell silently as Lorelai remembered feeling Luke's hands on her body, touching her and wanting her like she had wanted him. She forced herself to think about something else, anything else. Lorelai found herself remembering the Chunky Monkey that she had abandoned on the coffee table. God, she wanted it right then. She let out a quiet laugh, realising just how ridiculous it was to be wanting her Chunky Monkey after everything that had happened in the last few hours. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and decided it was time to get that sleep her mother had insisted she needed.

"I'll think about it tomorrow," She whispered to the silent room, understanding suddenly why Scarlett O'Hara had always put off dealing with her feelings. Lorelai had never appreciated the Southern Belle as much as she did then.

Lorelai fell asleep to the haunting image of Luke looking at her with his dark blue eyes, filled with the quiet understanding and compassion that she couldn't stand anymore.

* * *

When Lorelai woke up it took her a moment to recognise where she was and how in the world she had managed to get there. Then she remembered.

Her breath hitched in her throat and her fingers started to tingle. Lorelai sat up in her old bed, feeling dizzy and disorientated. She stared down at her hands and suddenly noticed she was shaking. A tight pain developed in her chest and Lorelai couldn't help but wonder if she was having a heart attack or if she was dying. She couldn't breathe. Her head felt like she was underwater. Her hands clutched at her throat, desperate to breathe, to get some oxygen. The pressure on her head grew so great that she couldn't see straight. Lorelai's body shook uncontrollably as tears began to roll down her cheeks.

Lorelai didn't know how long it was till the shaking stopped and she could breathe again. It felt like a lifetime. As she sat in her bed, sweating, she tried to figure out what the hell had just happened. Was it a stroke? She shook her head. No, definitely not a stroke.

Not wanting to dwell on whatever it was that had just happened, Lorelai stood up and pulled her jeans back on. She headed downstairs, still shaking a little, to find that both her parents had already left. A basket of Danish's and rolls sat on the dining room table beside a piece of paper with the number of her parents travel agent on it. Lorelai stared at the number for a while, deliberating.

Sitting and picking at a Danish, Lorelai remembered the feeling of panic that had flew through her when she had woken up. It hadn't happened until she had thought about... She trailed off, deciding she wouldn't think about what had caused her to freak out like that.

Lorelai grabbed her phone and dialled the number of the travel agent, deciding she really did need to leave. Staying wasn't helping her and she couldn't go back to... _That place_... Without facing _him_. A hour or two later, Lorelai had booked a one way ticket to Europe. She didn't know how long it would be until she was ready to come back, but she decided she would just figure it out later.

* * *

When Luke woke up, he was sleeping in a bed he hadn't slept in for months. It was their bed, his and Lorelai's. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering whether she would come back today. He wanted to talk to her, to make her understand that he loved her so much it hurt. Letting her walk out of his life was not an option. He would go back to being just friends if they couldn't give their relationship another go. He just didn't want to lose her.

Last night, Rory and April had come back from the wedding. He explained to Rory everything that had happened and she had told him everything Lorelai had ever said to her about why her and Christopher had split, how she felt about Luke and how she felt about April. Then he had cooked them all dinner and had cleaned up as well. Rory and April had gone to go sleep in Rory's room because of the new addition of the trundle bed, which was another blatant reminder of Christopher's presence in the house.

Luke forced himself to get out of the bed and look out the window. The jeep wasn't there, not that he thought it would be. From the look on Lorelai's face last night, he had guessed she would need a bit more time than 12 hours to come back and deal with it all.

Luke then sighed and headed downstairs, making himself a cup of peppermint tea and sitting down at the kitchen table. He sat by himself in silence for a couple of hours, just thinking and regretting.

He was pulled out of the recesses of his mind when Rory slipped out of her room quietly.

"April's still asleep," Rory told him quietly.

Luke just nodded in response.

Rory stepped out of the kitchen for a moment then returned, her purse from last night in hand. She sat down at the kitchen table with him before she dug through her purse. Rory pulled out her phone triumphantly.

"You should really clean out that thing," Luke commented, thinking about how Lorelai's purse was always just as messy if not more so.

"Yeah, probably," Rory agreed with a good natured smile, trying to hide the worry in her eyes as she turned her phone on and saw that there were two voicemails left on it from her mother.

"What's wrong?" Luke asked, seeing the worry behind her smiling mask. He had known Rory for far too long to not realise that she was concerned.

Rory looked at him with her big, blue eyes before she said quietly, "Mum rang. There's a couple of voicemails." She hesitated a moment before she asked, "Did you want to listen?"

Luke nodded mutely.

Rory clicked onto her voicemail and put the phone on speaker so they could both hear the messages.

" _Hey, Rory, my favourite offspring. I don't know if you've gone home yet or not, but if you have you've probably found Luke hanging around. If you haven't, I'm guessing he'll still be there when you do eventually go home. I won't be there because I've sought refuge in a far, far away land. I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay and safe. I also probably won't be coming back to the Crap Shack for a while but I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, I love you and I'll ring you tomorrow_ ," Lorelai's voice said, overly cheery and flippant.

"At least she's okay," Rory said to Luke, who looked like he was about punch something.

Before Luke could respond, the second message began to play.

Lorelai's voice began to speak, her voice not covered in the same cheery tone as before, " _So it turns out I'm not going to the Crap Shack for quite a while. I went to my parent's house last night, and mum let me stay in my old room. I called to let you know that I'm about to go to the airport. I'm flying to Europe tonight and I have no clue when I'll be back. I've called Sookie, and she knows so don't worry about the Dragonfly. I'll ring you when I land. I just need to get away Rory, I hope you understand. I can't go back to Stars Hollow, because he's there, and if I go back I'm just going to feel all that pain I've been bottling up for god knows how long. And I'm not as strong as you all think because I can't deal with any of it, and I probably won't be able to deal with it ever because I'm like the most unstable person in existence. If you're at the Crap Shack now or if you're going there, please could you let Luke know where I've gone but make sure he knows I don't want him to ring me or wait for me, because I'm not coming back. I won't be stopping over to get clothes or anything, because I'm just going to buy what I need when I get there. God, I'm babbling like Mel Gibson. So, um, I love you kid and I'll talk to you soon."_

The voicemail ended there.

"She's gone," Luke said, his voice hollow and laced with pain.

"She'll be back," Rory assured him, though she wasn't sure that her mother would.

"No, no she won't," Luke responded, suddenly realising what Lorelai had meant when she told him that she wouldn't give him a choice. She was leaving and she was never coming back. He had driven her away. Lorelai Gilmore had fled Stars Hollow and she had gone to her parents for help, in a strange, ironic twist of fate.


	2. Four Years After

**This is the second installment of Before Boston where Lorelai and Luke meet again, four years later, in a Boston bar.**

 **Let me know what you think through reviews and such. It's really encouraging to get your feedback. Sorry if there are mistakes, I haven't gone through and edited it yet, but oh well. Much love, JG.**

* * *

Four Years. It had been four years since he had seen her. She had never written, she had never called, and she had never made any move to contact him in any way humanly possible. He had never taken the initiative either, because she had asked him not to, but seeing her still made his heart race just like it had from the day he had first met her.

And now she was sitting on a barstool, only a few mere metres from him.

Her dark hair hung lose around her slightly slumped shoulders as she sat at the bar, a martini resting on the coaster in front of her. He watched as she let out a deep breath, staring blankly ahead at the bottles of alcohol that lined the wall opposite. He couldn't help but notice how worn out she looked. There were faint circles underneath her eyes, letting him know that she probably hadn't slept in quite a while. She was wearing a coffee coloured dress that painfully reminded him of the similar dress she had worn the last time he had seen her.

He considered not saying anything, just walking out of the relatively nondescript Boston bar and forgetting all about it. However even when he tried to turn around, he found that his feet were planted firmly on the ground. He didn't want to go without saying something, without making sure she was okay and maybe apologizing for that night, all those years ago.

It had been wrong to think that they could just go back to what they had been. A kiss- no matter how heated- couldn't solve everything, he knew that now. With her absent from his life for so long, he had spent a lot of the time he would have usually spent with her just thinking; about their relationship, their friendship, and all of the mistakes they had made.

The man swallowed hard, readjusting the black baseball cap on his head and taking the time to smooth out the wrinkles in his flannel shirt before he approached her. He didn't realize that he was worried about what she would think of his appearance. He wished subconsciously that he had worn something a bit more 'GQ,' because she had always liked those kind of clothes on him. She didn't turn when he took the seat next to hers and made no move to even indicate that she realized that he, of all the people in the world, was sitting next to her.

"Hi," He said softly, turning his head to look at her a little more closely than he had before. He had been right; she was exhausted. The rims around her eyes were red, like she had been crying for hours. Her eyes were puffy and a little bloodshot. It looked like she had been through hell.

She turned her head a little, looking a little startled to see him sitting there. She hadn't noticed that anyone was sitting next to her- that was how distracted she had been by her thoughts. "Luke?" She questioned in a small voice, a little hoarse.

"Lorelai," He said softly, her name rolling off his tongue like a love letter. It felt a little odd saying her name after all this time, but it still fell from his lips like it had always done. Perfectly.

Luke had only spoken and heard her name spoken once in four years. No-one had dared speak her name anywhere near him, or the diner for that matter. Not Miss Patty, not Taylor and not Babette. Not Andrew, Gypsy or Jackson. Not even Kirk had been able to pluck up the courage and risk mentioning her name. Her name had become a taboo of some sorts after an emergency town meeting a few days after that night, when it had been made clear to some of the townspeople that Lorelai was not intending on returning, ever.

 _Miss Patty and Babette were sitting in the diner, swapping the latest gossip over a cup of Luke's coffee and a plate of bacon and eggs._

" _Did I tell you about the hen?" Babette asked, in a loud whisper, looking over her shoulder to check that Luke wasn't within earshot. He was scrubbing at the counter, so she figured it was safe to continue._

 _"_ _No," Miss Patty replied, plucking up a little. A little gossip about the hen and the rooster was always good gossip. It had been just over a year since Lorelai had left but the town still hadn't recovered. She had been a big part of the town and so had Luke. Now he had become more of a recluse than ever, and sometimes you just couldn't eat at the diner at all. Most days the food was burnt and uncooked. Other days it was like nothing had ever happened. June 3_ _rd_ _had been a particularly bad day._

 _"_ _Well, a movers truck came to the house, you see. And they packed up some of the stuff, not much though. From what I could tell it was only the things she had owned before the remodelling of the hen's coop. Some of her clothes went too and then the little chick showed up-"_

 _"_ _No!" Miss Patty responded. If the movers truck had showed up with the baby chick in tow, it meant that the hen was done._

 _"_ _Yeah!" Babette responded excitedly._

 _"_ _What did the chick say?"_

 _"_ _The chick chirped about the hen. She's settling apparently. She's found a place, found a new job and is trying to just build a nest. But the chick mentioned something about hospital visits too but she wouldn't say anything more when I asked," Babette informed Patty._

 _"_ _Hospital visits? Building a nest? Does the rooster know at all?" Patty inquired._

 _"_ _Not that I know of. He's such a hermit at the moment," Babette responded._

 _"_ _Do we tell him?"_

 _"_ _I don't think so. It's been a whole year. She's not coming back and telling him won't help anything."_

 _Patty nodded, agreeing, "Do you have the time?"_

 _"_ _It's just after nine. Eastside Tilly should be at the newsstand by now, broad," Babette answered._

 _The two stood up and moved out the door. Luke slowly straightened up and turned his back to the diner. He had heard every word and now he felt sick to his stomach. Settling? Settling down, with who? Where? Whenever he had imagined… Her… Settling down, it had been with him. And hospital visits? It killed him not knowing why she was going to the hospital. Was she sick? Was she hurt? It was even worse that he couldn't be there for her._

 _He reached the diner phone, automatically wanting to just call her and make sure she was okay. But then he remembered, he didn't know her number. He didn't know where she lived or what hospital she was at. Luke hung up the phone dejectedly, missing her and wanting her and loving her, knowing he couldn't do anything. She had asked him not to and he always had done what she told him to._

"What… What are you doing here?" Lorelai asked him, confused, but trying not to show it.

"I was meeting an old friend at a restaurant across the street, saw this place and thought I'd come in for a drink before I headed back to Stars Hollow," Luke explained quietly, not wanting to let her know just how worried her appearance made him.

"Oh, so, you're still in Stars Hollow?" Lorelai inquired, raising her brows and trying to put on a smile. She didn't want him to feel like he was obligated to her in anyway after what had happened. She didn't want him to know about all the mistakes she had made since that night.

"Yeah, well, y'know," Luke said with a shrug, feeling a little awkward about her wanting to know about his life. In truth, barely anything had changed since she had left. He had tried to start dating again but he had never gotten past the first few dates. April was 17, nearly an adult. But besides that, nothing had changed and he didn't want to admit that to her. Acknowledging that he had never really moved on was not really an option. She had made it clear to him four years ago that they wouldn't get back together.

"Yeah," Lorelai said softly, turning her head away again and hoping he didn't notice that she was almost ready to cry again. Smalltalk hadn't been on the agenda, considering the circumstances that had led to her seeking refuge in a bar at 6 p.m. on a Thursday night.

"What about you?" Luke asked, not missing her glassy eyes. "I mean, how have you been?"

"Ah, pretty good I guess. I've been living here, for a while now," Lorelai told him with a plastered on smile.

Luke nodded, trying to not look surprised. He hadn't ever really thought of her living in a city. It had seemed a little too conventional for someone as unique and idiosyncratic as Lorelai Gilmore. Whenever he had imagined where she was living over the last four years, it had never been Boston. It had been another small and crazy town.

He wanted to ask her to just tell him the truth about how she was, because she didn't look 'pretty good' but he knew she probably didn't want to tell him of all people what was wrong. He knew her well enough to know that. As she reached for her martini, he saw the diamond engagement ring on her finger.

"You're engaged?" Luke asked her, genuinely surprised and a little upset at the thought of her marrying someone else. It was the Max thing all over again. Though he had to admit, he had always known she would move on. Lorelai Gilmore didn't pine for anyone. She didn't wait around like he did. She was his Ava Gardner, not the other way around.

"Until 36 hours ago, yes," Lorelai responded in a whisper, closing her eyes and trying not to let the tears in her eyes fall like they had been threatening too. She didn't want him to see her cry.

 _Lorelai held her phone to her ear with her shoulder as she flicked through her purse trying to find her pills. Rory had just reminded her that it was time to take her medicine._

 _"_ _Ah ha!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I found them!"_

 _"_ _Good, now take one like the doctor told you to every day at this time," Rory ordered her mother over the phone. Ever since Rory had found out about her visits to the hospital and then afterwards, the doctors, she had been very careful to make sure her mother took care of herself._

 _"_ _Alright, Hitler," Lorelai responded, opening the bottle and pulling out one of the little white pills that we're keeping her sane._

 _"_ _So, I better go mum, but take care of yourself, alright? And call, if you need anything. I should be back in Boston in a few weeks, so I can go with you for your checkup," Rory informed Lorelai._

 _"_ _Yes, that would be good. See you then, loin fruit," Lorelai replied happily. She didn't get to see Rory very often anymore but she enjoyed their conversations every night._

 _"_ _Love you," Rory told her mum softly._

 _"_ _Love you too," Lorelai answered, disconnecting the call. She took her pill then put the container back in her purse. Shoving the purse aside, Lorelai stood up and looked around the living room of her Boston apartment. It hadn't started to feel like home yet, even though she had been living there for three years. It just felt like a place she slept every night. There were no memories, not like the memories she had when she lived back… There._

 _Lorelai had to pinch herself softly. She wasn't supposed to think about that place, or him, or anything connected because it caused the panic attacks which had grown so bad a few years ago that she had to be hospitalised. It hadn't been her proudest moment that was for sure. She had been so ashamed about the attacks that she had hid them and the shaking that preceded them._

 _After the hospital, Rory had been called and had then intervened with Sookie and her parents to force Lorelai into taking better care of herself. That had meant therapy and regular doctors visits. It had meant pills and talking about some of the things she had been burying. However she was told that until she was ready to face them and what caused them, the attacks wouldn't stop. And Lorelai was of the opinion that she would never be ready to face them, so she had kept having the panic attacks every now and then._

 _The therapy sessions had become the only place she could actually talk about some of the things that were troubling her. Usually, the talks were short and weren't about anything specific in particular. Just small things. One conversation Lorelai had had with her therapist had been specifically about flannel. She hadn't mentioned why it was significant, they had just discussed it. She had chatted about coffee and festivals and inns and anything that had ever been significant in the old life she had lived, without actually talking about the town or him or her house or any of the other people she had known there._

 _Lorelai glanced down at her hands, just to check that she hadn't started shaking. She shook her head after a moment after she caught sight of the diamond ring on her finger. "William?" She had called loudly, figuring she could interrupt his meeting with his secretary to ask if she was staying for dinner._

 _William didn't answer with a yell or anything, so Lorelai decided it was time to go looking for her husband to be. She had walked out of the lounge and into his adjoining office. She didn't make it past the threshold because she was too shell shocked to move._

 _Her fiancé was currently busy, screwing Allison on his desk. His pants were down and he was in her, as far as she could tell anyway. Allison's face was contorted with pleasure. And Lorelai just stood there, watching, unable to move or speak or do anything._

 _Then the blonde secretary had opened her eyes and had seen Lorelai standing there. "Oh my god!" She had screamed. William had turned his head and saw her there. She had stumbled back, nauseatingly sick to her stomach about what she had just seen._

 _"_ _Lorelai! Lorelai!" William had called as she stumbled around the lounge. She found her purse and her coat and her car keys._

 _She turned and he was there doing up his pants. He took a step towards her, hands raised to touch her or hold her or do something like that._

 _"_ _Don't touch me," Lorelai spat out._

 _"_ _Okay, okay," William had replied._

 _"_ _Look, I have to go alright. I can't stay here," Lorelai told him._

 _"_ _Just wait, let's talk, please. I'll make her leave and then-"_

 _"_ _No! No talking, William. You were screwing her, in my house, while I was in the lounge!" Lorelai yelled at him, trying to make him understand._

 _"_ _It only started because you were never around, Lorelai! You were always working or talking to Rory or at the hospital. You never let me help and you never talked to me about why you were having panic attacks. You were just never here," William told her, starting to get angry._

 _"_ _You're making this my fault?" Lorelai asked him, incredulous._

 _"_ _Well, you are partly to blame," William had replied._

 _Lorelai just looked at him before she turned and walked out the front door. She didn't stop walking till she was out on the street and in her jeep. It was only when she had put her hands on the steering wheel that she noticed that they were shaking._

"Oh, Lorelai," He said softly, suddenly realizing why she looked like such a mess. Luke had to bite his lip to stop him from pulling her into a hug as he watched a few tears sneak down her cheeks. Comforting her was overstepping a line that he couldn't come back from. They weren't together, they weren't friends. There was no 'they' anything.

"Sorry," She said, opening her eyes and looking at him apologetically.

"You do not have to apologize to me, Lorelai," Luke told her honestly. "Ever."

He watched as she looked down at the engagement ring on her left hand. Lorelai swallowed hard and hesitated before she slipped them off and put them down carefully on the bar. "I shouldn't have said yes when he asked me," Lorelai told him quietly, "I knew it wasn't right but I just wanted to feel something again. To feel safe, to feel loved."

"I'm sorry," Luke stated, a few moments later.

"You don't need to be. You didn't sleep with your secretary in my home. You didn't sleep with her on my bed, on my couch, on my freaking kitchen counter," Lorelai answered, openly letting a few more tears fall as she spat out the last few words.

"Lorelai, I am sorry…" Luke told her. "I know what it's like, to be committed to someone like that and then-"

Lorelai wiped at her eyes, saying, "It hasn't been a picnic."

Luke just looked at her, not saying anything. He didn't know what to say because he knew that there was nothing he could possibly say to make her feel better. Luke knew what she was feeling. He had felt it when he had found out about Nicole and again when he had found out about Lorelai, sleeping with Christopher, after their fight.

"It just isn't fair, y'know?" Lorelai asked. Luke didn't reply, just stayed quiet, letting her talk. "I mean, he blamed it all on me. It was all my fault that he slept with her over and over again, because I was never home, I was always working, because I never really loved him. It was all my fault that I couldn't feel anything. It was all my fault that he made the conscious choice to screw her in our home, even though I was in the room next door on the phone talking to Rory while he held a 'business meeting' in his study."

"It wasn't your fault," Luke told her simply.

"Yes, it was," Lorelai told him, looking him in the eyes as she spoke with quiet conviction. It sounded like she had told herself that so many times in the last few days that she had actually started to believe it.

The pain in her once bright blue eyes cut him. The last time he had seen her looking like she did was that night, that godforsaken night. If he could go back and change it, he would. Maybe then she wouldn't have run off to Europe because she couldn't face going back to Stars Hollow. Maybe then she wouldn't have stayed away from the town for four years, leaving an empty house that only Rory had dared step foot in a few times since. Maybe then he wouldn't be sitting here, watching her suffering all over again.

"No, it wasn't," Luke told her, more firmly.

Lorelai just sighed and stared at her martini.

"How's Rory?" Luke asked Lorelai. He hadn't seen her daughter for months. Now that her mum was no longer living in Stars Hollow, she didn't have much reason to visit. Whenever Rory did visit, she was visiting Lane and would stop in the diner for a burger and some coffee. Rory made sure to never tell him anything about Lorelai, which he assumed was done at Lorelai's request, but he still enjoyed her visits immensely. Rory had been like a daughter to him for years and he liked to think she considered him a father figure in her life, even after everything.

 _Luke turned around from the coffee machine as he heard the doors jingle familiarly. He couldn't help the hope that had bubbled inside of him. When he saw who it was though, the hope had slipped away. It wasn't her. But it was the next best thing._

 _"_ _Coffee?" He asked Rory, taking in her appearance. She was wearing a sweater and a pair of jeans. A brown coat had been pulled on over top. Her hair was a little longer than it had been the last time he had seen her, which was a few months ago._

 _"_ _It hasn't been that long, has it?" Rory asked, her big blue eyes twinkling a little. She was smiling, clearly glad to see him._

 _"_ _Four months," Luke replied, pouring her a cup. "Danish?"_

 _"_ _Always," Rory responded with a smile._

 _Luke placed one on a plate for her and pushed it in her direction. "So, how's things?"_

 _"_ _Good, good. The campaign trail is going good. Barack is really gaining some momentum," Rory responded with a smile, sipping from her coffee._

 _"_ _That's good," Luke responded, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. "And, um, other things?" Luke asked after a moment, before he lost his nerve. The conversation he had overheard between Patty and Babette had stuck in his mind for weeks. He needed to know that she was okay._

 _Rory looked up at him, hesitating to say anything because she wasn't quite sure what he was asking. Looking at his eyes though, she knew he had heard something from someone about what had happened. She ate a bite of her Danish before she said, "Better."_

 _Luke just looked at Rory, hoping she would say something else. 'Better,' didn't mean anything. Better wasn't reassuring. She could have been on her death bed. If she was even just a little better, it didn't mean she was good or well or safe._

 _Rory bit her lip and avoided looking him in the eye._

 _"_ _Rory, please," Luke said softly. He just needed to know._

 _Rory looked up at him again finally. She just looked him in the eye, trying to figure out whether she should cross the unspoken line between them, the line that was Lorelai Gilmore. She must've have seen the desperation in his dark blue eyes because she finally said, "She's doing much better. She's getting help. She's… Safe."_

 _Luke wanted to ask what had happened, why she needed help. He wanted to ask for her number. He wanted to ask where she was, where had she had been. He wanted to ask if she had asked about him. Instead, he just swallowed hard and nodded. He was grateful Rory had told him that she was safe, if nothing else._

 _"_ _Is she happy?" Luke asked Rory finally, voice barely above a whisper. It was the only safe question he could think of. It was the only thing he had ever wanted, for her to be happy._

 _"_ _I don't think she knows how anymore," Rory told him honestly, straightforward and simple. "She puts on a smile but I don't know what she's thinking anymore. No one does."_

 _Luke nodded, processing the information. "How much longer can you stay?"_

 _"_ _Not long. I have to stop in Hartford before I get back on the trail," Rory explained._

 _"_ _Alright. Donuts for the road?" Luke asked Rory, acting as if their quiet conversation about she-who-must-not-be-named had never taken place._

 _"_ _Thanks, Luke," Rory had replied with a smile, sipping on her coffee again._

 _"_ _No problem," Luke replied._

"Rory?" Lorelai asked, surprised at his question.

Luke nodded.

"She's good. I haven't seen her in a few weeks, but I've been talking to her on the phone. She's been publishing a few articles online and travelling a lot, but I think she's enjoying it," Lorelai responded.

"That's good," Luke replied, glad to hear that the youngest Gilmore girl was doing alright.

"And April? How is she?" Lorelai asked after a moment, feeling obligated to return his concern.

"Good, too. Growing up fast. She's looking at colleges at the moment, so she's very excited and always seems to be talking a mile a minute about different degrees and courses that I will never understand…" Luke informed Lorelai.

"Oh, that's great, that she's doing so well," Lorelai responded, managing a taught smile.

They fell back into a long silence, both just looking at each other and noticing the small changes in one another that had occurred in the past four years. Luke couldn't help but notice the small lines at the corner of Lorelai's eyes, which were still the same brilliant blue that he remembered. Lorelai noticed that the shadows under his eyes were a little deeper and his face looked a little bit more drawn, more closed off.

"So, are you going to get that drink or am I going to drink by myself for the rest of the night?" Lorelai asked finally, managing a real smile. It was crazy that after all this time, he was here with her in Boston. She wasn't quite sure how to feel about seeing him again. Lorelai had very carefully cut him out of her life, and now he was here, and she was vulnerable… And looking at him, she got the feeling that they had never been over. Not really, anyway.

Luke smiled back at Lorelai, feeling himself slip into their old pattern of comfortable companionship with her. He turned to the bartender and signalled for a beer. The bartender obliged quite quickly, looking glad to have something to do during a slow Thursday night.

"Thanks," Luke said to the bartender, taking the offered beer.

Lorelai and Luke clinked glasses after a moment of hesitation. Luke sipped from his beer and Lorelai finished her martini, quickly ordering another. Neither of them said anything, both lost in their own thoughts.

Luke was stuck thinking about how he had coped without Lorelai for the last four years. Not particularly well, that was just fact.

 _Luke Danes was on a date. It had been nearly eighteen months since he had last been on a date. He had dressed himself up in the black sweater and shirt ensemble that… She… Had brought him years ago. He still couldn't form her name in his head. Luke was still in denial about everything that had happened between them. He had shaved and he had made sure to look for a decent restaurant._

 _He hadn't intended on going on a date at all. But then Teresa O'Donnell had entered his diner and had asked him out. Luke had been so close to turning her down but she had done this thing with her bottom lip, it had quivered or something, and he found himself agreeing. In retrospect, it had been because… She… Had used to do that whenever he said no to her, and of course, he had given in to Teresa just like had done for... Her._

 _So there he was, standing outside the restaurant they had just enjoyed a nice meal at. She had ordered a desert afterwards and had persuaded him to try it. It had been disgustingly sweet, just the kind of thing that… She… Would've ordered. And then Teresa had flipped her blonde curls over her shoulder and had ordered a cup of coffee. Luke had ordered tea and tried to not think about… Her… Again. But then she had ordered a second and third cup. It was inevitable that… She… Had come to mind._

 _Teresa was smiling up at him, babbling on about nonsense. Luke had nodded and smiled back at her._

 _"_ _I had a really good time," Teresa told him._

 _"_ _Yeah, me too," Luke had replied. He had, had fun. She was fun and vibrant. Teresa liked camping but she was also a little eccentric and crazy. The problem with her though was that she was too much like a raven haired, blue eyed woman he had tried very hard not to think about._

 _Teresa had then leaned up and pressed her lips to his. Luke had been surprised at first and it took him a moment to respond. His arms pulled her closer and she had deepened the kiss. Luke's hands had found themselves in her thick curls before he realised that something was wrong, that this, kissing her, was wrong._

 _Luke pulled away and Teresa had looked up at him with hurt in her brown eyes._

 _"_ _Did I do something wrong?" She had asked, wrapping her arms around herself._

 _Luke had felt incredibly guilt as he looked at her. "No. You did nothing wrong. It's just… You're… You're not her," Luke had told Teresa quietly. "You talk like her, you eat like her… You even drink obscene amounts of coffee like her. But… You're not her. You don't smell like her. You don't look like her. You'll never be her. It's not fair for me to be in love with her and be with you… I'm sorry. I just can't do this."_

 _Teresa had looked up at him, like she couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. To be honest, he could barely believe them either. They sounded pathetic and mean. But he was pining and he figured he would always be pining for Lorelai Gilmore. He couldn't shake her, no matter how much he wanted to. "Her?" Teresa had questioned, her face becoming a mask._

 _"_ _Her," Luke had agreed._

 _Teresa had tilted her head a little, looking at him expectantly._

 _It had taken him a second to understand what he wanted. "Her," He repeated._

 _Teresa had kept looking at him._

 _"_ _L… Lor… Lorelai…" Luke had choked out, struggling under the pressure of her demanding eyes._

 _"_ _Lorelai," Teresa had whispered once._

 _Her name had sounded foreign on Teresa's tongue._

 _Luke just nodded._

 _"_ _Well, I had a good time. Thank you, Luke, for tonight…" Teresa said to him. She had started to walk away from him but suddenly turned around and asked him, "Why don't you just tell her?"_

 _"_ _Tell her what?" Luke asked, confused._

 _"_ _Tell her that you still love her," Teresa had elaborated for him._

 _"_ _I don't know where she is. She asked me not to call, not to write, not to wait. I'm not doing very well with the not waiting part," Luke had answered, "I can, however, not contact her, like she wanted."_

 _"_ _Is she ever coming back?" Teresa asked._

 _"_ _Yes… No… I don't know…" Luke had stuttered out._

 _"_ _Well, good luck and I hope that she comes to her senses, because you're a really great guy," Teresa had informed him before she had walked away._

 _Luke had watched her leave, thinking that when it came to dating Lorelai Gilmore, he had been anything but a good guy. He had hurt her, repeatedly. He had kept things, life changing things, from her for months. He had finally gotten her and he had just ruined everything so much so that she had run away because she couldn't stand to be living in the same town as him._

Luke sipped his beer, thinking about Teresa. He looked out of the corner of his eye at Lorelai, absentmindedly comparing the two women in his mind. Dark curls, blonde curls. Blue eyes, brown eyes. Tall, short. They were different, but similar. If he hadn't met Lorelai Gilmore, he guessed he could have been happy with Teresa. It wasn't Lorelai's fault of course that he was stuck on her. It was just the way it was. Lorelai had always been his kryptonite.

Lorelai couldn't stop feeling guilty about how she had treated Luke. She had run away from him because she couldn't deal with it. She had slept with Christopher. She had never really understood just how much she had hurt him by going to Christopher that night. Now that she seen William with his secretary, Lorelai could comprehend exactly what she had done to him. It made her feel sick. She reached for her martini, wanting to calm her nerves but pulled her hand back quickly when she saw it was shaking. She didn't want him to see. She didn't want him to know. It was a weakness, and she still had this idea in her head that he needed to see her as the perfect, Wonder Woman she had always tried to be.

Luke noticed her pulling her hand back quickly. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," Lorelai managed, her voice oddly even.

"You don't sound okay," Luke told her.

"Well, I'm fine," Lorelai responded. "Look, I should probably go. It's getting late."

Luke frowned as she stood, noting the anxious look in her eyes and the way she was keeping her hands shoved inside her pockets. "Are you okay to drive? You've had a few drinks," He asked.

"I'm not driving," Lorelai answered, averting her eyes.

"Let me walk you out," Luke said, standing. He pulled a few bills out of his pocket and shoved them on the counter, well aware that it covered both of their drinks and the tip.

"Alright," Lorelai said, her voice a little faint. She could feel her hands starting to tremble a little more but she was careful to make sure he couldn't see anything. "You didn't have to do that," She added, referring to the bills on the counter.

"Yeah, I did," Luke answered with a nod of his head. He walked with her out of the bar, holding the door open for her on the way out.

Lorelai didn't respond to that comment, concentrating instead on staying calm. She started counting inside her head, just like her therapist had taught her.

"It was good to see you, Lorelai," Luke told her with a smile.

"It was good to see you too," Lorelai responded with a tight smile.

Luke noticed the sudden coldness in her smile. He didn't know exactly what he had done wrong, or even if he had done anything wrong at all but he decided not to say anything. He wanted to end this night with her on good terms.

"Well, bye," Lorelai said, a little awkward. She didn't know how to end this chance encounter.

"Bye," he responded.

Lorelai turned and walked away, trying not to walk away too fast. She could feel herself start to panic a little more and it was worrying her. It hadn't started this strongly or this quickly for a long time.

Luke watched her walking down the street. When she reached the corner, she just kind of stood there, looking lost. He realised suddenly that she didn't know where she was going or what she doing. She didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to rely on.

Luke went after her. He ran down the street, feeling adrenalin coursing through his veins. He hadn't gone on a run in a while but he suddenly remembered why he had run track in high school. It was this feeling.

"Lorelai," He called out, just before she had seemed to make a decision about what she was going to do.

"Luke?" She questioned.

"You don't have anywhere to go?" Luke asked her, plain and simple.

"I have my apartment but I don't…" Lorelai trailed off, looking a little ashamed of herself. "I don't know if he will still be there."

"Come back with me," Luke said.

Lorelai took a step back, looking startled at the suggestion. "No," She said, without giving the idea any thought. She couldn't go back there. It would only make everything worse.

"Well, then let me come with you to your apartment. I'll make sure he's not there," Luke offered. He hated the look on her face. It somehow managed to be hurt and lost and panicky all at the same time.

Lorelai considered it for a moment. She was already in a bad place, she knew that. She was shaking and panicking. Spending more time with Luke would not help. Going back to the apartment wouldn't help. But she needed a place where she could deal with the attack when it started because she knew it would start, soon. "Alright," Lorelai answered finally.

Luke knew he couldn't drive anymore than she could after the drinks they had consumed in the bar, so he hailed down a cab.

They sat through the whole ride in silence. Lorelai concentrated on preventing or at least holding of the panic attack. Luke was busy trying to work out why she was so quiet and what was the reason for the strained look on her face. It wasn't particularly easy.

It took them a good twenty minutes before they reached the apartment. When they did, Luke saw Lorelai looking up at the building apprehensively. He reached over and gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze with his hand. He felt her freeze up a little at his touch and noticed that she was radiating heat.

Luke hesitated a moment before telling her, "You wait here. I'll make sure he's gone."

Lorelai nodded in response. She reached for her purse and handed him a pair of keys, saying, "5C."

Luke gave her a reassuring smile before getting out of the taxi and leaving her alone with her thoughts. He headed inside the apartment building and took the stairs to level five, all the while thinking about the look on Lorelai's face when he had touched her. It had looked like he had somehow stung her.

When Rory was 11 years old, she had made that exact same face when she had spilled some freshly brewed coffee on her hands. Lorelai had left her in the diner for five minutes because she had to run to Doosey's to pick up a couple of things. Luke had heard her sharp intake of breathe and had seen her bottom lip tremble. Lorelai had reacted pretty much the same, except she had winced a little and her lips had turned down in a distressed grimace.

He couldn't quite understand why. Was she disgusted with him? Had he hurt her somehow? He didn't think so. In all honesty, he thought something else was going on. But he knew that if he wanted to find out, he couldn't press her into speaking. Lorelai ran in situations like that and Luke was pretty sure he couldn't stand her running away from him again.

Luke reached the apartment and let himself in.

"Lorelai?" Called a male voice from another room. The voice sounded a little apprehensive to Luke's ear, and he couldn't help but think, 'good'. He hoped the asshole had spent the last few days enduring significant psychological trauma for what he had done to Lorelai.

Luke didn't answer, just walked forward into what appeared to be the living space. A tall, rather slimly built man was standing beside the fireplace. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a sweater, his dark blonde hair tousled.

"Who are you?" The man asked, sounding surprised and indignant all at the same time.

"I'm a friend of Lorelai's," Luke replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

He could imagine Lorelai with this man. He was good looking and had an air of confidence about him. Luke figured he was a real estate agent or something. He had that successful, car salesman look.

"I've never met you before," was all Luke got in response.

"I don't live here," Luke responded simply and with a shrug.

The man seemed to take a moment to process that. "I'm William," He said.

"Luke."

"Ah," William said, looking like he had finally made the connection as to who the hell he was. He looked Luke up and down before he asked, "You're him, aren't you?"

"Him?" Luke asked, confused a little by the question. It wasn't particularly clear who the man thought he was.

"You're the man- the flannel wearing man, the coffee making man, the Mr. Fix-It man, the diner owning man Lorelai never speaks of," William explained, standing up straighter. He eyed Luke with an expression that could only be described as jealousy.

"I guess," Luke replied. "I mean, I haven't heard from her in four years so I wouldn't have a clue if she speaks about me or if she doesn't."

William nodded. "She doesn't speak about you, ever. Not even to Rory. Whenever I asked about you she always just gave me this look. If I pressed her, she stood up and left the room."

Luke frowned at that information. She hadn't spoken about him to anyone? For four years? For a woman who never shut up, she apparently did a great impression of a mime. "Look, I think you should leave," Luke told William finally. Figuring out what Lorelai had been up to for the last four years and where he stood with her wasn't his priority. Looking after Lorelai was, and that meant getting rid of the guy who had reduced her to tears in a bar.

"I'm not leaving, not till I've spoken to her," William answered, taken aback by the sudden change in conversation. "It doesn't matter what you think anyway. You haven't been involved with her for years. You don't know anything about her or us."

"You're right, it doesn't matter what I think. I haven't been around, that's true as well. The reasons behind that is between me and her. The only thing that matters here is Lorelai," Luke said in a low voice. He was starting to get a little angry. This guy was a douche. Hadn't he hurt Lorelai enough? Now he wanted to speak to her, like he could somehow erase his actions with a few well chosen words? Not a chance. "Right now, Lorelai doesn't want to speak to you and I doubt she ever will. Lorelai is tired and she has no one in this city, or any other place to go, so you need to leave, now."

"But she has you, right?" William asked tensely.

"Yes, she does," Luke replied.

"But for how long? You'll just leave her again," William commented nonchalantly.

Luke blinked. Before he knew what he was doing, he was striding forward. He swung his right arm back and launched it at the idiot's face. "She will always have me," Luke growled, as William fell backwards onto the floor.

William cupped his nose in his hand. Blood had spurted down his face and onto the crisp white collar of the shirt he was wearing underneath the sweater. He was the kind of guy who probably had never been hit in his life.

"Get out," Luke told William brusquely, towering over him.

The man looked like he was about to argue or fight back for a moment before he saw the expression on Luke's face. He stood and scrambled for the door. Luke followed him out and down the stairs, making sure that when he left he didn't see Lorelai sitting in the taxi. It wouldn't do for her to get upset if he tried to speak to her or something stupid.

Luckily, William didn't notice the taxi, or its occupant. Luke took a moment to wipe the blood off his fist on his flannel before going and rapping his knuckles on the taxi drivers window. The taxi driver rolled down the window and accepted Luke's offering of a roll of dollar bills.

He then went around to Lorelai's door and opened it for her. Luke looked down at Lorelai and noticed that she was shaking a little. "Come on," Luke said quietly, "He's gone."

Lorelai nodded mutely and got out of the taxi, her purse in hand. Luke shut the door and watched as she walked off in the direction of the apartment, moving like a ghost. He followed behind her, carefully watching her as they walked silently up the stairs. She stumbled a couple of times and each time his hands reached out and steadied her. Luke was as much on autopilot as she was.

He still couldn't comprehend the fact that he had punched William after being in a room with him for less than five minutes. What William had said about him inevitably leaving Lorelai again had really cut him. He could only conclude as they walked up the stairs, that it was because what William had said was true. He always seemed to be the one leaving or giving up. Only the truth could hurt like that.

Luke had never been one to think of himself as someone who gave up. He had waited for Lorelai for eight years of his life after all. But when it came to being with her, he had given up so many times. He had never fought for her like he should of done. He had never been there when she had needed him.

Finally they reached the apartment.

Lorelai stepped into the living room and looked around like she didn't really recognise the room at all.

"Is that blood on the carpet?" Lorelai asked Luke, not turning to look back at him.

Luke shut the door behind them and stepped out of the foyer. His eyes found the red mark on the carpet she had questioned him about. "I punched him," He told her simply.

"Oh," Lorelai said softly.

Luke waited for her to say something else on the subject, but she didn't. He watched her quietly, noticing that her shoulders were shaking a little and she seemed to be concentrating intently on something. What it was, he had no clue. He considered hugging her or something, but he wasn't sure if it was allowed or not.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Lorelai said abruptly, leaving him alone in the living room.

Luke frowned. Something was seriously wrong, he knew that, but he didn't want to try and guess as to what it was. Instead, he stayed where he was standing in the living room, assuming she would come back out in a few minutes.

Twenty minutes passed, and still Lorelai had not returned. Luke was started to get seriously concerned. He moved cautiously through the apartment, subconsciously taking note of where the kitchen and dining areas were. He saw that there was a guest bathroom and a couple of other bedrooms. He assumed one was sometimes occupied by Rory and maybe Sookie and Jackson if they visited over a long weekend.

Luke hesitated outside the door Lorelai had disappeared through before decidedly turning the door knob. He was in her bedroom, no doubt about that. A mess of clothes and shoes lay in a heap beside a chair and there was a furry, zebra striped alarm clock on the nightstand. Pictures of Rory and Lorelai over the years were scattered around the room in frames, serving as a kind of photo album. However, one notable thing about the room was that Lorelai was not in it.

Luke noticed light creeping out from under the closed door of an en-suite. He knocked on the door quietly, and called, "Lorelai? Are you alright?

"Go away," He heard her call back in a strained voice. Through the door he heard a series of odd, choking sounds or gasps. Luke wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew sure as hell that he wasn't going anywhere.

Luke turned the doorknob and stepped into the bathroom. Lorelai was balled up beside the bathtub, gasping and crying, shaking and sweating. Luke stared at her for a second before he rushed to her side. He knelt down beside her and pulled her up against his chest. Lorelai tried to pull away, but he kept her in his tight grip. Slowly, he started to stroke her back.

"You're alright, you're alright," He whispered against her hair as she shook in his arms. "You're safe, I've got you," Luke told her over and over. His hands moved in a circular motion against her back, holding her to him like a child.

It was a long time before she stopped shaking and even longer till she stopped crying. He could feel the damp places on his shirt where her tears had fallen in abundance. Still, Luke kept holding her to him. He wasn't willing to let her go. Not yet, anyway. "It's alright, you're okay," Luke told her again. He heard let out a soft whimper and he had to stop himself from going to go find William and punch him again. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to be hurting like she was.

"I'm sorry," Lorelai whispered, her face pressed against his chest.

"You don't have to be sorry, Lorelai. You're upset," Luke answered, kissing the top of her head softly.

Lorelai pulled away from him, and he let her go, figuring she had recovered enough. She shrugged off her coat and dropped it to the floor, her face puffy and red. She ran a facecloth under some warm water then wiped her face with it, letting out a long sigh.

Luke watched as Lorelai stared at her reflection in the mirror, occasionally wiping again at her face with the cloth. Every now and then he caught her glancing down at her hands, checking for something.

"Would you like some tea?" She asked finally, putting the cloth down.

"Peppermint?"

Lorelai nodded, walking out of the bathroom and heading out into the kitchen. Luke followed her, still not sure whether he should bring up what had just happened or not. It wasn't like Lorelai to just break down like that. He had never seen her so vulnerable, so broken.

Lorelai set to work boiling a pot of water for the tea and flicking on her coffee machine as well. Luke just leant across the kitchen island, watching her as she worked.

"Did you want to talk?" Luke asked her.

"About what?" Lorelai questioned, looking up at him with her blue eyes.

"About what happened, back there, in the bathroom," Luke answered.

"No."

Luke nodded before saying, "I think we need to because, that wasn't normal. It's definitely not normal for you to be lying on the bathroom floor, crying, shaking and making those weird, choking, sounds."

"Well, I don't want to talk about it," Lorelai replied shortly.

"It's not normal, Lorelai," Luke repeated.

Lorelai sighed and then admitted in a small voice, "It is normal for me now, Luke."

"What?"

She bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. She busied herself by pouring him his tea and handing it over to him. Luke took it, eyebrows knotted in concern. Lorelai grabbed her cup of coffee and walked out into the lounge, taking a seat in an armchair by the fireplace. Luke sat opposite her on the couch, and watched her, just waiting for her to speak to him.

"Look, after that night," Lorelai began, "I was a mess. I went to my parents, of course, because I knew you would never, ever look for me there. I went to bed and when I woke up, I noticed I was shaking. I was sweating and then I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think. I don't know how long it was before it all stopped but it was quite a while I think. It wasn't until later that I kind of accepted that I had just had a panic attack."

"A panic attack?" Luke asked with a frown. Lorelai Gilmore was having panic attacks. He couldn't comprehend any of it.

Lorelai nodded, confirming. "Yes, a panic attack."

"But why?" Luke asked softly, looking at her, concerned.

Lorelai just looked at him. She wasn't ready just then to tell him that it had all started with him. She needed to explain more of the story first. "Well, I kept having them after that first one. But I didn't really want anyone to know about them. It was a weakness and I guess I always felt the need to be Wonder Woman, especially when it came to being strong and brave. So I didn't tell Rory or anyone, except that guy at the Day and Night store this one time. He found me standing next to the magazine racks and I didn't want him to think I was crying over the fact that denim jackets were out of fashion... Anyway, I just hid all the shaking and the crying. I got pretty good at it, actually. I was pretty much the Golden Girl of hiding panic attacks. If it was an Olympic event, I'd win gold. But hiding them was bad, y'know? I got really sick. I wasn't sleeping. I was barely eating or drinking and one day I just fainted in the middle of a mall after I saw something that set off the attack because I was so exhausted, so drained… My body just couldn't handle it anymore."

Luke nodded, willing her to go on. He could tell there was more to the story even behind all the babbling. He knew her well enough to know she used humour as a way to lighten the mood when a conversation was getting too serious for her to deal with. A survival instinct, or something.

"So an ambulance was called, and then of course Rory was contacted, and then my parents and Sookie. So everyone all of a sudden knew about them. The doctors explained the situation but they still couldn't get me to talk because I didn't want Rory to know about why or all the details, because she's my little girl. She'll always be eight years old with pigtails and her nose stuck in a book to me. Of course that didn't make them stop asking questions. They all ganged up on me and forced me to start going to therapy. It was actually pretty good, not at all like the Dr. Phil/Oprah mashup I had been imagining. I mean, I could chat about random things and occasionally my therapist would ask a question but it wasn't necessarily specific to the actual problem. She just let me talk and say things at my own time and at my own pace but eventually she figured out the problem. Of course she did, because she has a degree from Harvard so she's definitely not Bus Station Billy or anything," Lorelai said, rambling again to try and lighten the information she was sharing with Luke.

Lorelai wasn't quite sure why she was sharing any of it with him. It wouldn't be easy on him, when she admitted why she had started having them in the first place. It certainly hadn't been easy to let him hold her before while she was like that. Admitting the problem was always the hardest part, or at least that's what her therapist had told her.

After a moment, Luke took the opportunity to just ask her. "So why did she think you were having the attacks, Lorelai? It must've been pretty bad, considering you were in hospital and everything," Luke commented, trying to not appear too serious. He didn't want to scare her off or anything. She was finally right in front of him, after four years of not being there, and he didn't want to ruin it. But he needed to know. It had killed him, not knowing what she was doing and now he finally had the chance to hear all about it, directly from the source.

Lorelai laughed a little, saying, "Yeah, pretty bad." She took a sip from her coffee before she continued with her explanation, "Well, she noticed that the things I chatted about were all very connected to the life I had led in… Stars Hollow."

She took a moment to grin to herself, feeling a little triumphant. Lorelai noticed Luke's puzzlement at her smile and offered in explanation, "I can say Stars Hollow now without shaking. It's a big achievement, considering I've said it three times now in one night. My therapist, Kate, also noticed that I loved festivals and inns. She asked me if I had been to any recently- festivals or inns- but I told her I hadn't. She asked me why, I said I didn't know. And then I babbled on about fries for twenty minutes before I finally broke down and told her that festivals and inns were related directly in my mind to Stars Hollow. At the time though, I hadn't actually been able to say Stars Hollow so she had to guess from what she had found out from Rory and my parents in previous sessions with them…"

Lorelai took a moment to breathe. She hadn't remembered this session with Kate for a long time. Avoiding things was a specialty of hers. She took another sip of coffee before she continued her story, allowing herself to actually remember the session as she narrated it out loud to Luke.

 _"_ _So, this place, where you lived before the attacks began is connected to festivals and inns?" Kate asked her patient, her eyes switching between Lorelai's wary face and the notepad on her lap._

 _Lorelai nodded. "I loved the town and I loved the people. I lived there till Rory was finished with Yale, so over twenty years of my life," Lorelai had explained._

 _Kate nodded, staying silent and letting Lorelai just speak when she was ready._

 _"_ _After Chris and I broke up I found it really hard to stay there. In the house, the Crap Shack, there were all these memories, good and bad. More good than bad. Most of my memories had to do with Rory growing up in there. But it was the bad ones that made it so hard. Everywhere I looked, I saw Chris and…" Lorelai had trailed off, staring blankly at the wall above Kate's head. She had been so close to saying his name._

 _"_ _And?" Kate had prompted._

 _"_ _Nothing, nothing," Lorelai had whispered, shaken out of her thoughts by Kate's question. "In the end, it all grew too much. I couldn't deal with anything so I left. I went and stayed with my parents in Hartford, booked a flight to Europe and didn't come back to America for over six months."_

 _Kate had nodded thoughtfully in response to Lorelai's story, clearly knowing there was a bit more to the story than Lorelai had let on._

 _"_ _I love coffee," Lorelai said suddenly, as if just remembering her affection for the dark brown liquid she practically lived on. "I mean, it tastes so good. Sometimes I want it in an IV. It's always been there for me, through the good times and the bad- except that day we got snowed in at the inn and we ran out of coffee and I hated snow. People think I drink too much but they just don't know how dangerous it is for me to not have it. I go all Miss Cranky Pants if I don't have enough caffeine in my system."_

 _"_ _Would you like a cup now? I can go make you one? I found this amazing new blend and I think it's the best in the world," Kate asked the moment the babbling subsided._

 _"_ _No, it wouldn't be as good as…" Lorelai trailed off, realising she had been about to mention him. She glanced down at her hands and noted that the shaking had started again._

 _"_ _Remember, close your eyes and breathe deeply," Kate said softly, watching Lorelai follow her instructions carefully. It was obvious that they were actually getting to the root of the problem. They had been talking about random things for months now, but it was only when the subject of Stars Hollow came up that Lorelai had started showing signs of another panic attack._

 _Lorelai did as she was told. She directed her mind to remembering a happy memory; the day her parents had brought home the dollhouse. She had played with it for hours, creating little stories for all of the dolls, creating a happy little imaginary world. In her mind Lorelai picked up one of the dolls and noted for the first time, with a sharp intake of breathe, that it was wearing a flannel shirt and jeans._

 _Her eyes flew open and she looked at Kate who was watching her intently._

 _Flannel. Blue eyes. Blue cap. Coffee. Burgers. Fries. The ring. Bert. A kiss. A dance. An ice rink. The diner. The horoscope. The inn. Leopold and Lobe. Danish Day._

 _All of the memories came back to Lorelai as she stared at Kate blankly. She could feel her eyes well up with tears and suddenly she felt angry. Lorelai didn't want to be crying over him. She didn't want to be sitting in a shrink's office trying not to spill out her guts to a practical stranger. She angrily wiped at her tears with her sleeve, her bottom lip starting to tremble._

 _Kate handed her a box of tissues but remained silent, letting her recompose herself._

 _When Lorelai was no longer in the midst of a small breakdown, Kate asked, "It wouldn't be as good as what, Lorelai?"_

 _"_ _His."_

 _Kate nodded slowly, feeling like they were on track again to finding the root of the panic attack problem._

 _"_ _Luke's, it wouldn't be as good as Luke's coffee from Luke's diner," Lorelai said after a while, feeling the need to elaborate. "He was my best friend… For ten years. And he loved me for a long, long time. I don't know how long, years before he ever made a move. He always made sure Rory and I were fed, when we were struggling financially and even when we were fighting, usually over something stupid. Luke's coffee was the best but he hated I drank so much of it. He hated my eating habits and my babbling and my obscure references. But he was always there, with Bert, with coffee or burgers or fries, with his stupid flannel shirts and his stupid backwards baseball cap. He gave me $30,000 once just to help me finish the inn because he wanted me to be happy, to have my dream."_

 _Lorelai paused, considering their relationship before she continued, "He never expected anything in return. I know I should have made a move earlier but it was never the right time. There was Rachel and Max and the whole Jess thing and Nicole and Alex and Jason and it was just never right between us. I couldn't admit it to myself but when he finally asked me out, it was amazing, like I was seeing him for the first time. I realised I had loved him the whole time. It was why I had never married Max. It was why I felt weird about having a key to Jason's apartment. It was why I just broke it off with Alex. It was why I had been jealous of Rachel and then Nicole."_

 _She wiped at her eyes again as she let herself remember everything that had happened, everything she had tried to block out, "When it was good, it was so, so good. I wanted more and I knew he loved me and he had always loved Rory so I asked him to marry me and he said yes. I don't think I've ever been so happy. But that was when everything started to fall apart. I had my fight with Rory and then he found out about April and he kept it from me and started pushing me away. I felt everything slipping away and I got drunk at Lane's wedding and said things. He wasn't there to hear them but the whole town covered up for me because they could see I was hurting and they knew I wouldn't want him to know. Then my parents were buying us a house and I couldn't do it anymore because I knew it wasn't going to happen. I asked him to elope because I was desperate and he said he needed time to think, to figure things out and I knew it was over because he shouldn't have had to think about us, about whether he should marry me then or not."_

 _Lorelai took a deep breathe before she recounted what happened next. It had been one of the lowest points of her life and she knew it wouldn't be easy to actually talk about what happened. "I walked away then and I went to Christopher's because I knew he would comfort me and would understand me. I couldn't go to Rory or Sookie because then I would have to admit things and I would have to deal with things. I slept with Christopher. It was the worst thing I could have done because I knew Luke hated him and I knew Luke was insecure about my relationship with him, because he was Rory's dad and there had always been this thing between us. I went home and I was upset but I tried not to show it and then Luke came to the house and I couldn't tell him about Christopher. I just told him it was over and it killed me because he looked so hurt and lost and confused. He showed up again later, his truck all packed and ready to elope with me. He said this big speech about how I couldn't just decide and how he needed me in his life but it was too late. I told him I slept with Christopher and he just looked at me like he didn't recognise me and that hurt, hurt so, so much. It was really over then," Lorelai said, finishing in a whisper._

 _"_ _Later on Chris talked me into starting a relationship with him and I went with it because there was this huge hole in my life where Luke had been and I just wanted to fill it, to feel something other than anger and pain and emptiness. Christopher didn't fit though, but I still married him in France because Luke hated me and I thought it was my only chance of getting the whole package- kids, a husband, a real family with a dog and a house with a white picket fence and matching jogging suits. When Luke saw the ring I felt so ashamed because I hadn't told him and I could see in his eyes just how much it hurt him and it hurt me. Chris and I broke up eventually because he knew I had never stopped loving Luke even though it hurt so much to just see him and talk to him and hear about him. I don't know if anyone had told Luke about us, about Chris and I," Lorelai admitted with a shrug._

 _Lorelai sighed, starting to speak again, "Next thing I knew a few months had passed and I was at this town wedding, Gypsy and Andrew's. I hadn't wanted to go because I knew Luke would be going but I owed Gypsy and Andrew my support for everything they had done for me over the past few years. So I went and it was hard to see Luke there, happy and with April, his daughter. I went to the bar and I tripped over my own feet and then he caught me, just like he always used to. I didn't realise at first that it was him who had saved me, but when I did, it all came back to me and it hurt so much. We talked for a moment and it was awkward and hard but then Rory called me for Gypsy's bouquet throwing. I hadn't even intended to try and catch the bouquet. I was just going to stand there and drink my martini. But then she threw it and suddenly I was putting down my glass and reaching for the bouquet. I caught it."_

 _"_ _No one seemed to realise how much it hurt. I was staring at this bouquet and thinking, it should've been Luke. It always should have been Luke. I should have married him, not Christopher. I should have walked down the aisle in a white dress with a gorgeous bouquet and he would've been standing there, looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. But he didn't because we weren't getting married and he hated me, or at least I thought he did. I kind of panicked so I went back to the bar and I was downing martinis because I couldn't deal with any of it and he was there again, asking questions, checking if I was alright like he somehow cared all of a sudden if I was okay. I got angry and he wouldn't leave me alone. Luke asked if I wanted to talk, I didn't. So instead he asked me to dance because he knew I liked to dance, even though he hated dancing. So we dancing and then this slow song came on and he was holding me too close and I was crying and his lips were on my hair, just like before. I ran of course, because that's what I do when things get too hard," She told Kate, a little bitter._

 _"_ _I was eating ice cream later because I thought that wallowing was the next obvious step. Luke showed up then and he knew things weren't okay and he knew I wasn't upset just about Christopher. It took a while but we started talking and things seemed like they were getting a little better. He told me he couldn't hate me. I didn't understand why because I had done everything possible to make him hate me. I had lied to him, I had slept with Christopher. But then we had this moment, I had chocolate on my chin and he wiped it and then he leant in to kiss me and I let him. I loved him so much and he was there and he wanted me and I hadn't felt wanted like that from him in such a long time. God, we were making out on the couch like a couple of teenagers. Our clothes were starting to come off. I wasn't even thinking, I was just going to sleep with him without thinking any of it through. Like what would it have meant? I never really considered myself slutty before but looking back, God, when it came to Luke, I was the biggest one imaginable. Then he whispered that he loved me and it all faded away…" Lorelai trailed off, remembering that moment. It had been seared in her mind. She remembered every detail from how his hand felt on her to what he had smelled like._

 _"_ _He couldn't say things like that, not to me, not after everything. It hurt too much. So I got changed again and I ran from him, ran from Stars Hollow. I drove to Hartford because he wouldn't look for me there. My parents helped me by giving me a place to stay and then giving me access to some money so I could go away on a trip and thing things over. I think they could just see how upset I was and they just did what they could. I went to bed after I called Rory to let her know that I was are. I didn't tell her where I was because I didn't want her telling Luke. Seeing him wasn't something I could handle. In the morning I woke up and I started thinking about him, Stars Hollow and then I was shaking and choking. It was weird. I was confused. I couldn't really admit to myself that I had just had a panic attack because I was Lorelai Gilmore. I was strong. I didn't panic. I was controlled. I rang the travel agency, organised my flights and rang Sookie and Rory. I left instructions with Rory to tell Luke not to try and contact me or wait for me. I knew he would wait because I was the Ava to his Frank, but I didn't want him to. I went to Europe, I came back and then I met William," She finished telling Kate with a little shrug._

 _Kate nodded in response as things started to fit together a little bit more. "You ran from Stars Hollow because he was there?" She questioned, trying to get all the facts straight._

 _"_ _Because Luke was there, yes," Lorelai confirmed._

 _"_ _And you won't go back there, because you still love him and you know he still loves you and you are worried about how that will make you feel?"_

 _"_ _More like terrified."_

 _"_ _Alright," Kate said softly, considering all of the things she had been told. "This Luke and Stars Hollow, everything they represent and everything that reminds you of them is what causes your attacks, yes?"_

 _"_ _Yes."_

 _"_ _That day when you collapsed in the mall, what set you off Lorelai?" Kate asked._

 _Lorelai swallowed hard before whispering, "I thought I saw him. There was a guy wearing a flannel shirt, a blue one that looked like the one I used to wear to bed when we were together, and he had a baseball cap on backwards. I couldn't think or breathe. I couldn't see his face but I was just so certain that it was him."_

 _Kate jotted down a couple more notes before she asked finally, "Do you love William?"_

 _Lorelai took a moment to consider the question. She hadn't really thought about it, about love, because it had always been too painful. "Yes," Lorelai responded._

 _"_ _Why do you love him?"_

 _"_ _Because he is here for me, because he loves me," Lorelai answered, not thinking it over._

 _"_ _But you're not in love with him are you?"_

 _"_ _No," She whispered, closing her eyes, "I don't think I will ever be in love with anyone but Luke. I don't think I'm capable of it anymore."_

Lorelai didn't tell Luke about the last few questions Kate had asked her. She didn't want him to know or feel guilty or feel like that there was chance for them to be something again. Being something was too much.

Lorelai let him think things through for a couple of minutes before she told him, "I'm going to go to bed now."

Luke looked up at her suddenly, having being startled out of his thoughts by her voice. "Yeah, of course," He said, standing up hurriedly. "I'll get going now. Ring me, if you need anything and I'll come back and help."

Lorelai blinked, confused, "No, don't go, Luke. You've had too much to drink and its late. You can't drive back to Stars Hollow, you'll end up in some ditch."

"Oh, alright, I'll sleep on the couch or one of the guest rooms," Luke told her, confused a little. He hadn't expected her to want him to stay after everything. After what she had told him, he wasn't sure how she could stand to be in the same room as him.

"Alright, well, good night," Lorelai told him quietly, standing up with her coffee cup and leaving him alone in the living room.

Luke frowned to himself, sighing as he leant back to rest his head on the sofa. What had he been thinking, letting her go? She had been through so much and it was all because he had let her think he didn't want her or love her. In reality, she had been the love of his life. Luke loved Rory and he loved April but Lorelai, Lorelai was everything to him. She always had been.

He couldn't quite believe that he head inadvertently been the reason she had ended up in hospital. She had been so scared, so terrified of seeing him that when she saw some random in flannel and a baseball cap she had collapsed. Lorelai, the strongest person he knew, had been reduced to a mess. Because of him.

She had married Christopher, but she had never loved him. That was news for Luke. He had always figured that in the end the feelings that had always existed between them had come to the surface. But she had just told him that she hadn't stopped loving him, and Christopher had known. Luke had been the reason for Lorelai's failed marriage just like how she had been the reason behind his failed marriage with Nicole. The irony wasn't lost on him.

Luke finished his cup of tea. He noticed that she had made it exactly the way he liked it, leaving the leaves in for a little longer than recommended. It was strong and sweetened with honey.

"Luke?"

Luke turned his head to see Lorelai. She had reappeared, now dressed in a pair of mismatched pyjamas and looking a little uncertain. "Yeah?" He asked her, eyebrows turning down a little.

"Would you, um," Lorelai said, wringing her hands nervously, "Would you stay with me tonight? In my room? I know it's a little weird, but I don't want to be alone tonight."

Luke nodded before he even considered how he would feel, sleeping in the same bed with her. "Of course," He told her, reiterating his nod as he stood up.

Lorelai smiled a little, murmuring a quick, "Thank you."

Luke followed her to her bedroom, and noticed she had changed the sheets since he had been in the room earlier. He didn't question why. He watched her as she awkwardly went and slipped under the covers of the bed, her eyes on him.

"Ah, I'll turn out the light in a moment," Luke told her, taking off his baseball cap and setting it down on a dresser. He shrugged off his flannel and left on his undershirt. Luke noticed that she had averted her eyes as he started to undress himself. He left on his jeans, but kicked off his boots and socks before he flicked off the light. Luke went to the other side of the bed and slipped in with her, unsure about how exactly he was going to manage to fall asleep with her right there with him.

"How was Europe?" Luke asked her softly, wanting to know if she had enjoyed herself at least.

"Ah, good, I guess. It was Europe, so it was all Europey. Castles, drugs and men with funny accents," Lorelai replied, turning her head to look at him.

"That's good, that's good," Luke answered. Europe had been a bust subject.

"Can I move closer?" Lorelai asked after a considerable length of silence.

"Ah, yeah," Luke said, holding his arm as she moved to shuffle closer. She rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Thank you," She whispered.

"Any time," He replied.

Luke was trying not to think about the fact that he was actually holding her in his arms. It wasn't quite the most appropriate time to be thinking about things like that. Then she shifted in his arms and he noted that she had been using a fruity shampoo, because her hair smelt like oranges and berries. It was a nice smell, he decided.

"Luke?" Lorelai asked after a moment.

He glanced down at her to see that she was staring at him with big, blue eyes. "Yeah?" Luke asked, voice very soft because he couldn't help but think that she was looking at him with a weird kind of need in her eyes.

"Please?"

Luke stared at her, trying to figure out what exactly she was asking for. Then he realised. She wanted him. "I don't know if…" He started but she cut him off quickly with, "I know, but, I just… It doesn't, I mean, it won't mean anything but I just need… You."

Luke swallowed hard before he nodded. He understood what she was asking and he understood why she was asking him, of all people. He understood. In that moment, he also felt the same way. He needed the release, something to help deal with the fact that it felt like ten million pounds of guilt had currently decided to take up residence in his conscience.

Lorelai leaned up slowly and pressed her lips to his, her eyes closing. Luke closed his eyes too, and just let himself kiss her. Thinking about the situation wasn't going to help. She wanted him right then. She didn't want to be alone. He knew she wanted to just not think or feel. She just wanted to… Be. Luke understood that. It was how he had felt that night after he found out about Nicole. He had wanted that after Lorelai had told him about Christopher, when he was sitting all alone in his apartment trying to figure out what had happened and why she had gone to Chris, of all people. Luke had still wanted her, even then.

"Just so we're clear, I didn't ask you to stay for this," Lorelai whispered against his lips.

"I know," Luke responded before leaning in to kiss her again. Her lips opened underneath his, giving him permission to slip his tongue delicately into her mouth. It wasn't lost on him that she still tasted the same- a mix of caffeine and unadulterated amounts of sugar.

They lay there, kissing and holding each other, blocking out all the bad memories. They were focussed only on each other and how it felt to be there, to have each other even after all this time. Luke's hands tangled in her hair and Lorelai moaned softly into his mouth. She slipped her hands under his shirt, feeling the hard planes of his back.

Luke pulled her up on to him, not stopping to pull his lips from hers even for a moment. Their kisses heated up a little, their need for each other growing. It had been too long.

"Lorelai, are you sure?" Luke asked her softly as she pulled away for a moment for a breath of air.

In answer, she pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it behind her. She nodded, leaning in to kiss him again.

His hands started to roam her body freely. He didn't care anymore if it was right or wrong to be with her like this. He let his hands stroke the sides of her body, skimming over her rib cage. They shared a passionate kiss that said all of the things they didn't have the courage to say to each other. Luke broke the kiss to move his lips down her neck.

Lorelai's hands found themselves in his hair, holding him close to her. She arched her back, lost in the sensuality of the moment. Everything she was feeling was intense and fervent, passionate and lustful. She hadn't felt this way since they had broken up and subconsciously, she was amazed that he could still incite such strong concupicense in her.

They continued to explore each other, slowly rediscovering all the little things about one another that had drifted to the back of their minds after years apart.

* * *

Lorelai woke up wrapped in a pair of a strong arms. She kept her eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of warmth that was radiating from the well built body that she was using as a pillow. She knew that the person the arms and well built body belonged to was Luke Danes, the man who had dropped everything to look after her and comfort her for what seemed like the thousandth time.

It was pretty obvious to her what they had done the previous night. They were both naked. She could tell that without even looking as their bodies were so entwined that it was an unmistakable fact. She lay there, enjoying the moment but knowing he would soon wake up and they would have to figure out what the ramifications of the previous night were.

Luke didn't wake up for a while longer, but when he did, the first thing he noticed was the body pressed against his. He frowned a little, eyes still closed, as he tried to work out in the depths of his groggy mind what had happened the previous night. He opened his eyes slowly, figuring it would be easier to just look.

The mass of wild, untameable curls that was resting on chest was his first clue. The way she was using him as a human pillow was his second. His third clue was when she turned her head to look up at him with warm blue eyes, still a little dazed from sleep. Luke knew who it was without a doubt. It was Lorelai.

Last nights events came back to him slowly and he wondered what the hell he had been thinking. Sleeping with Lorelai had not been the brightest idea he had ever had. Then he remembered that it had been her idea. He had just been the one to make good on the idea.

"Good morning," Lorelai said softly, wondering if he was regretting what had happened. Probably. He had that look in his eyes when he felt guilty about doing something he shouldn't have done.

"Morning," Luke replied, voice a little hoarse. "What's the time?"

Lorelai turned her head to look over at the fuzzy alarm clock on her nightstand. "It's ten o'clock."

Luke nodded, secretly proud of himself for thinking ahead enough to have Caesar open and Lane cover the lunch time shift. Forethought was a wonderful thing. "Did you want a cup of coffee?" Luke asked her, falling back into old habits.

She looked up at him and smiled, causing Luke to temporarily forget how to breathe. Lorelai moved off him, allowing Luke to move away from her. She pulled the sheets up against her chest as she watched him dress himself in his jeans and undershirt. He picked up his flannel shirt, hesitated, then tossed it over to her.

"Thanks," Lorelai said in reply, a little surprised at his offering.

He left the room then, going to make her coffee and also wanting to avoid seeing her body again as she dressed herself in his flannel. Luke didn't think he could handle it again. He was a man, after all, but he knew that whatever had happened last night had been a one time thing. As much as he wished it wasn't just a one night stand, it was all it could be, considering everything that had happened.

Luke set about making her coffee, nice and strong, just the way she liked it. He didn't have to wait too long before she had joined him. He smiled at her, thinking about how good she looked in the flannel. She as gorgeous and sexy and she somehow made his 'lumberjack,' as she had so fondly called it so many years ago, look like it belonged in some kind of dirty magazine.

"So, last night," Lorelai began, looking up at him underneath her dark lashes as she sat down on one of the bar stools that were placed beside the kitchen island.

"Last night, right," Luke repeated, continuing to focus on making the coffee. She could say whatever it was she needed to say to him first.

"That was something," Lorelai said finally, "Really something. I mean, that thing that you did, with your tongue…"

"Lorelai," Luke said as a warning. He didn't need a play-by-play of the previous nights activities. He was well aware of them. In fact, he was pretty sure they had been permanently embedded in the recesses of his mind.

"Right, right," Lorelai muttered, a little chastised. "Well, last night. I was upset and you were there, you know that. And I think you understand why I asked you to… Well, let's just leave it at that, right? We don't need to make a big deal out of any of this, right? We are adults. We've slept together before, though admittedly not in similar circumstances. I was in a bad place, and I still am, so I think you understand what I'm trying to say-"

"I do, understand, Lorelai," Luke informed her, cutting her off. She didn't need to ramble. He knew. He pushed her finished cup of coffee across to her, waiting for her to try the brown liquid before he asked the question that was currently on his mind.

Lorelai tried the coffee and shot him another breathtaking smile. "It's perfect," She told him.

Luke nodded, rubbing the back of his neck a little before he just asked her plainly, "Do you think we can just go back to being what we were before last night?"

Lorelai put her coffee cup down on the counter carefully. "No, I don't think we can," Lorelai told him softly. Even if they wanted to go back to being nothing to each other, she knew they couldn't. They had just dredged up all the feelings they had for each other. From past experience, she knew that they couldn't just turn those feelings off.

"So then, what are we?"

"I don't know, Luke. I don't know."

"You aren't coming back to Stars Hollow, are you?"

"I can't, Luke."

"I know, but…"

"Luke, I just don't know, okay? I just don't know."


	3. Ping-Ponging

**Hello everyone- it really has been a while. Hopefully this was worth the wait. Let me know what you think, JG.  
**

* * *

Lorelai Gilmore felt like a ping-pong ball, bouncing back and forth between sanity and insanity. It wasn't a particularly enjoyable feeling. The ping-pong feelings had started the moment Luke had left her Boston apartment to drive back to Stars Hollow. She had watched from the window as he got in a taxi to go back to the bar and collect his truck. She had watched the bright yellow car drive down the street, then she had watched the vehicle disappear around a corner and everything had hit her, all at once.

Sanity was getting up in the morning, drinking coffee and having a shower. It was going to her new business- a consulting firm that specialised in the hospitality industry- and working until her brain hurt. She spent her sane days dealing with clients who wanted to know how to improve their inns, their lodges, their hotels, motels and B&Bs. Throughout the day she would get calls from Sookie and Michel, wanting to get her opinion on the day-to-day running of the Dragonfly. She knew they kept her in the loop because they missed her, and they still hoped that one day she would decide to deal with the problems herself, in person. But she continued to deal with the problems over the phone because Stars Hollow was still a gaping hole of depression in her life.

Insanity was waking up and not being able to leave her bed. Not even the coffee machine, which was set up to make her a cup at seven in the morning, could coax her to leave the comfort and security the sheets offered her. The insane days Lorelai spent curled up in a ball, watching old movies, not eating and crying. The insane days happened a few times a season, not often, but often enough to make sure that continuing her therapy sessions with Kate were an absolute necessity.

According to Kate, Lorelai was experiencing a form of depression known as recurrent brief depression. The episodes lasted usually one or two days and would leave Lorelai feeling mentally and physically exhausted. Kate had suggested to Lorelai that it had begun after Luke had left because he had forced her to face the causes of her panic attacks- him and her refusal to find closure in their relationship. The fact that she only faced them for a few hours was the reason she was ping-ponging.

The minute Luke had left, Lorelai had resumed her Cleopatra-like persona, Queen of De-Nile. She had picked up a shovel and had systematically shovelled a mountain of dirt on her recently excavated problems. A 6ft deep grave, however, had not managed to make them disappear as she had hoped. They had somehow seeped into the corners of her mind in the few hours they had been unburied and had latched on. No matter how hard Lorelai tried to shake the unbidden memories from her mind, they seemed determined to never let go.

Lorelai sighed. Today had been one of the sane days but she was sensing a change in the wind. It had started earlier when she had been at the mall, shopping for a new outfit for a meeting with a prospective client. The client was a pretty big one, so she had wanted to make sure she looked good. Looking gorgeous certainly couldn't cause the meeting any calm, that was for sure.

She had been browsing a rack of dresses when a bright and cheery sales assistant had offered to help her look. Lorelai had accepted just for the hell of it. Rory couldn't help her- she was overseas reporting on the Middle Eastern crisis for the New York Times- so the sales clerk was a welcome substitute.

"How about this?" The girl, whose badge indicated her name was Paige, held up a dress for her inspection.

Lorelai shook her head, "A little bit too Paris Hilton."

"Alright, maybe this?" Paige asked, this time holding up a very sophisticated looking dress.

"Sorry, but do I scream "Hillary Clinton" to you?" Lorelai asked, brows raised. She certainly didn't think she looked like a women of society. She was wearing a pantsuit because she had just popped in from work on her way home but she was wearing what she considered a "fun" shirt. It had a cute little pattern that was a little quirky and out there, just like her.

"No, no," Paige had quickly responded, shoving the offending outfit back on the rack.

Lorelai then turned to another rack, thumbing through the available dresses with pursed lips.

"I think you'll like this," Paige had said from behind her.

Lorelai had turned around and had felt her breath hitch in her throat. The dress was gorgeous. But it was blue, the same blue that she associated with the colour of Luke's eyes. She felt her fingers begin to tremble.

"You know what? It's late so I think I'll just come back tomorrow," Lorelai said quickly, turning and exiting the store in an abrupt rush. She felt like she had just been punched in the gut.

She hadn't thought about Luke for weeks, but now he had been called unbidden to the forefront of her mind.

 _"_ _So, last night," Lorelai began, looking up at him underneath her dark lashes as she sat down on one of the bar stools that were placed beside the kitchen island._

 _"_ _Last night, right," Luke repeated, continuing to focus on making the coffee. She could say whatever it was she needed to say to him first._

 _"_ _That was something," Lorelai said finally, "Really something. I mean, that thing that you did, with your tongue…"_

 _"_ _Lorelai," Luke said as a warning. He didn't need a play-by-play of the previous nights activities. He was well aware of them. In fact, he was pretty sure they had been permanently embedded in the recesses of his mind._

 _"_ _Right, right," Lorelai muttered, a little chastised. "Well, last night. I was upset and you were there, you know that. And I think you understand why I asked you to… Well, let's just leave it at that, right? We don't need to make a big deal out of any of this, right? We are adults. We've slept together before, though admittedly not in similar circumstances. I was in a bad place, and I still am, so I think you understand what I'm trying to say-"_

 _"_ _I do, understand, Lorelai," Luke informed her, cutting her off. She didn't need to ramble. He knew. He pushed her finished cup of coffee across to her, waiting for her to try the brown liquid before he asked the question that was currently on his mind._

 _Lorelai tried the coffee and shot him another breathtaking smile. "It's perfect," She told him._

 _Luke nodded, rubbing the back of his neck a little before he just asked her plainly, "Do you think we can just go back to being what we were before last night?"_

 _Lorelai put her coffee cup down on the counter carefully. "No, I don't think we can," Lorelai told him softly. Even if they wanted to go back to being nothing to each other, she knew they couldn't. They had just dredged up all the feelings they had for each other. From past experience, she knew that they couldn't just turn those feelings off._

 _"_ _So then, what are we?"_

 _"_ _I don't know, Luke. I don't know."_

 _"_ _You aren't coming back to Stars Hollow, are you?"_

 _"_ _I can't, Luke."_

 _"_ _I know, but…"_

 _"_ _Luke, I just don't know, okay? I just don't know."_

 _"_ _Well, I guess I should be going then," Luke told Lorelai. There was nothing left for him here, that much was clear. Whatever had happened between them had happened, that was it._

 _"_ _Oh, alright," Lorelai had stammered out, surprised by his abrupt desire to leave._

 _"_ _I have to get back soon, the diner…"_

 _"_ _Of course."_

 _Lorelai had followed him to back to her bedroom and had watched from the doorway as he grabbed his socks and shoes. Luke sat on the edge of her bed to put them on, his brow furrowed in that quiet concentration she loved so much. It was reassuring to know that after four years, he still hadn't changed that much._

 _"_ _Did you want your flannel back?" Lorelai asked him, as he stood ready to go._

 _"_ _No, you keep it," Luke told her, adding, "I've got plenty more back at the apartment."_

 _Lorelai laughed a little. Of course he had more. It wasn't as if the one she was wearing was a staple in his wardrobe- he probably had another six that were exactly the same._

 _"_ _Well, you're not wrong," Lorelai replied, moving aside to let him back through. She followed him out to the foyer, biting her lip a little. It felt weird, him leaving. But she knew it would feel even weirder if he stayed._

 _Luke turned around to face her and said quietly, "Goodbye Lorelai."_

 _"_ _Goodbye Luke," Lorelai responded, leaning in for one last hug._

 _"_ _Ring me," Luke murmured against the top of her head, "If you ever need anything. I'll come. I don't want to go back to not speaking ever, or never seeing each other. I like knowing that you're okay. So… Ring me, please. I know we can't go back to being what we were, but we could try being friends, or friend-ish."_

 _"_ _I will, if I need anything," Lorelai had answered, knowing she probably wouldn't call him._

 _"_ _Okay, good," Luke said, pulling back. He looked her over one last time. He nodded to himself, gave her a smile, and then opened the apartment. He walked out and Lorelai had shut the door behind him._

 _Lorelai gave herself a couple of minutes to make sure she wasn't going to cry then she went back into the kitchen. She took one look at the cup of coffee he had made her and then poured it down the kitchen sink. She rinsed out the coffee cup and washed out the sink, making sure to wash away any evidence of his presence._

 _Now that he was gone, it hurt too much to think about him. It hurt too much to remember._

 _Lorelai then went back into her room and changed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. She stuffed the flannel at the back of her closet, where she would probably never see it. Then she systematically stripped the sheets from the bed and shoved them in the washing machine. She didn't want to smell him. She didn't want to be wearing his clothes. She just couldn't._

 _In the final stage of the pretending-Luke-was-never-ever-here mission, Lorelai mixed some dishwashing detergent and cold water together to scrub the blood from the carpet. Her mind was blank as she worked, determined to just not think about him, or William, or Stars Hollow._

Lorelai sat in the Wrangler, her hands clutching the steering wheel in a death grip. Her hands were still shaking, and she could feel the ache growing in her chest. God, she wanted him. God, she hated him. God, she missed him.

"No, you can't think about it," Lorelai told herself harshly, through gritted teeth.

Mind still fuzzy, Lorelai started the jeep and flicked through the radio stations, trying to find something, anything to distract her. Sadly all of the available stations wouldn't know what good music was if it hit them in the face with Phish's Heavy Things.

"Gah!" Lorelai exclaimed in frustration.

She felt the panic build up in the pit of her stomach. "No," She told herself, "Not again."

Lorelai forced herself to focus on breathing in and out, in and out.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

Lorelai felt herself starting to calm down a little. She let out a deep sigh of relief as the panic receded, no longer quite as tangible as before. She knew she wouldn't be able to avoid it for much longer. It had come on quickly and strongly. However, using her breathing exercises helped her make sure that when the attack actually started, she would be safe in the confines of her home.

She reversed slowly out of the parking lot, her mind a little hazy. She was a little worried about driving in her current state but she knew she had no choice. Having the panic attack in a public parking lot wasn't a good idea. Lorelai was a private person. Sharing her weaknesses in public was definitely not appealing.

Lorelai pulled out into the busy Boston traffic, heading towards home, and safety.

She hadn't rung Luke after he had left. It had been too hard. But he had rung her.

 _Lorelai had just arrived home from work. It had been two days since she had broken down in front of Luke and had blatantly told him about what she had been going through, but she could still see his presence everywhere. She had avoided sitting on the couch, because he had sat there. She had thrown out the coffee cup he had given her and had thrown out the cup she had given him his tea in._

 _He was everywhere._

 _And she hated it._

 _She hated that he had managed to integrate himself into her apartment, her fresh start, in a matter of moments. She hated that she couldn't sleep in her room anymore because he had slept there. She hated that she had been reduced to a girl walking on eggshells again, all because she wasn't sure when the next attack would begin or what would trigger it or how long it would last._

 _When she walked through the door she noticed that the answering machine was blinking, indicating that someone had left message. Initially, she had assumed it was Rory or Sookie who had left the message._

 _A couple of seconds after she hit the play button and was in the midst of hanging up her coat, she knew how wrong she had been. Well, you know what they say about assuming things… She couldn't help but think to herself bitterly as his voice, nervous and awkward, filled the room._

 _"_ _Uh, hi, Lorelai," Luke stammered, "I, um, just wanted to make sure you were okay and um, that you weren't doing bad after, ah, everything that happened."_

 _He fell silent, clearly struggling with what he should say next. "You haven't called, which means you probably don't need my help, but I just wanted to say that my offer still stands. Always will. I'll help you, with anything you need no matter what… I got your number from Sookie. I had to bribe her with a few details from Boston, but, I, ah, didn't say anything about the, um, bed, thing… I didn't know if you wanted anyone to, ah, know, about what happened… I just told her we saw each other in the bar then I went home… I hope that's, um, okay…"_

 _"_ _Well, anyway, I hope you're alright… Please, call me, and ah, let me know because… Well, because seeing you made me miss you and when I miss you I get kind of worried and I don't want to be worrying about you every second of every day… I know we didn't land anywhere on the whole are-we-friends conversation but I hope we can be, or at least try… Well, good bye Lorelai. I miss you."_

 _Lorelai had stared blankly at the answering machine, hands shaking, threatening her with another episode of weakness and torment. She shifted her gaze down at her hands and knew that she couldn't call him. It would just make dealing with it all again so much harder._

 _Silently, she reached for the answering machine and deleted the message._

 _Lorelai let out a sigh as she sank to the floor, hands shaking. She squeezed her eyes shut as the shaking spread from her hands to the rest of her body._

 _"_ _You're safe," Lorelai whispered to herself, as she rocked herself back and forth in a desperate attempt to calm herself, "You're okay."_

 _He was gone again._

 _She was alone again._

 _Lorelai Gilmore was anything but okay._

Lorelai drove the jeep slowly, carefully, not quite taking in her surroundings. She was too busy concentrating on her breathing. If she couldn't breathe, she couldn't drive. If she couldn't drive, she couldn't get home. And if she couldn't get home… Well, it just wasn't an option.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

Lorelai turned a corner, hearting beating fast and heavy.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

"No, not yet," She muttered to herself, "I'm not ready."

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

She could feel herself starting to sweat a little.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

"Not good, not good," She chanted through gritted teeth.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

Lorelai turned another corner just as she felt the next stage of the attack begin.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

Her brain felt like it was being compressed between two rocks.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

"Okay, really not good," Lorelai told herself.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

Lorelai was struggling with keeping her eyes on the road.

 _Breathe in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breathe out… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… Breath in… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…._

"Just a little bit longer," She pleaded with herself, "Come on, please…"

Lorelai felt her breathing start to return to normal.

"Oh, thank Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Camel!" She exclaimed, letting out a sigh of relief at having successfully putting off the attack for a little longer.

As she settled down a little, Lorelai focussed more on the road and her surroundings. Luckily for her, the traffic was pretty busy so she was really only moving at a slow crawl.

That was when Lorelai heard what song was playing on the radio.

" _Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world..._ " crooned the soft, sweet voice that was implanted eternally in her brain.

"Bloody hell," Lorelai swore, just as she caught sight of something moving towards her at high speed in the corner of her eye.

" _I'm on my knees in fascination, looking through the night… And the moon's never seen me before…_ "

Lorelai felt panic erupt through her in a way she had never felt before. Her body was shaking and her lungs were on fire. She was drowning.

" _And the moon's never seen me before…_ "

A grey Mercedes hurtled towards her. Lorelai stared at the vehicle with wide eyes, frozen.

" _But I'm reflecting light…_ "

With the screeching sound of metal on metal echoing through her mind, Lorelai's felt an excruciating pain rip through her shaking body. Her mind went dark, granting her the relief she had been so desperate to find.

Luke Danes scrubbed at the counter in the diner, wondering for the billionth time why on earth Lorelai had never called him back. It had been weeks- months, in fact, and she hadn't once bothered to give him a call to let him know that she was okay, that she was surviving.

He had been worried sick about her for weeks, but he had stopped leaving her messages on her answering machine because she never deigned to call him back. It was clear she didn't want any contact with him.

Luke knew she must have heard his messages and he knew she must have actually been in the apartment when he had called a few times because he had made sure to call her in the morning, around the time she usually woke up and just before she usually went to bed.

He understood that she was probably hurting, because of William and because of the attacks, but he just wanted to know she was safe. Luke had gotten so worried a couple of weeks after Boston that he had rung Rory, only to find that she wasn't taking his calls either. Why, he wasn't quite sure but he guessed it was because Lorelai had asked her not to. Luke had even asked Sookie and Jackson, two of the only Stars Hollow residents who ever heard from the curly haired women who was ignoring him, but they had just looked at him with sad eyes and walked away.

It had also occurred to him that Lorelai just didn't care about him, that she had just been using him for the sex and that there was nothing between them anymore.

But he had shaken that thought from his mind because he knew that there was still something between them- Boston had only served to prove that theory. Luke knew he still loved her, despite everything she had done to him and he guessed she felt the same, despite everything he had done to her.

As he wiped the counter, he noticed Babette and Patty glancing at him every now and then with concerned looks on their faces. He shot them an angry glare and they quickly looked away.

"Luke?" Asked Kirk from his seat- Lorelai's seat- at the counter.

"Yes, Kirk?" Luke asked with a sigh.

"Do you think you could make me some more of that stuff you made before? The pancakes with the Cajun flavouring? I think Lulu would really like them," Kirk said, his face impassive.

Luke stared at Kirk. The 'Cajun flavoured pancakes' as Kirk so naively called them were burned pieces of toast.

"Please?" Kirk asked again, after he realised that a reply from Luke was not forthcoming.

"Oh, alright," Luke muttered, heading back into the kitchen and throwing his dishrag over his shoulder.

Cooking- bad or not- would help him get his mind of Lorelai.

Just as he popped a couple slices of bread into the toaster, the phone rang.

Luke made a mad dash to the phone, hoping beyond hopes that it was Lorelai.

It wasn't.

"Hello, may I ask who this number belongs to?" A cool, female voice asked. The woman's voice sounded clinical and sterile, like she belonged behind a desk at some mental institution.

"Luke Danes," Luke replied, confused. He didn't get many calls from people who had no clue who they were ringing. He was pretty sure that everyone in Stars Hollow knew the diner's number off by heart.

"Luke Danes, my name is Allison Ross. I'm a nurse at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston," The woman informed him, before asking, "Do you know a woman with dark curly hair, blue eyes, tall, thin and in her late 30's?"

Luke felt his heart stop for a second. That description could only belong to one woman in his life.

"Mr. Danes?"

"Yes, I know her," Luke answered a little bit too casually, sensing that whatever reason the woman had for calling him about Lorelai wasn't a good one. She was a nurse, working at a hospital after all. He didn't think they just called random people giving out a physical description of Lorelai Gilmore for no reason.

"Can you please tell me her name? We haven't been able to find any identification yet, just a cellphone. This number was the first on the programmed speed dial. I was hoping you'd be able to get us in contact with her next of kin, or any family, if you yourself aren't," Allison asked him, sounding out each word slowly.

"What?" Luke asked her. He didn't understand. Well, he understood. He just couldn't process it..

"This woman, she's been in a car accident. She's seriously injured. Can you please tell me her name?"

"Injured? Car accident?" Luke asked in a pained whisper. God, he could imagine it in his eyes. The brown jeep, mangled and in ruins. Lorelai, lying in a odd position, blood staining her beautiful face. In the back of his mind, he realised the diner had suddenly gone dead silent. They were all listening, but he didn't care. This was more important.

"Yes. We aren't sure how badly yet, but she does have several broken ribs, a broken leg and arm," Allison informed him, before asking again, "I know this is hard, but can you tell me her name?"

"Broken ribs. Broken leg. Broken arm," Luke repeated dumbly.

"Her name, Mr. Danes," Allison repeated once again, this time a little forcefully.

"Lorelai, Lorelai Gilmore."

Allison paused on the other end of the phone, probably writing down the name. "And what is your relationship with the victim?"

"I'm her ex-fiance… A friend or acquaintance now, I guess," Luke replied.

"Oh, not family then. Do you have the details of her family members?" Allison asked, a little disappointed.

"Yes. Her parents, Emily and Richard Gilmore. They are the only Gilmores in Hartford. Her daughter, Rory, is a journalist away in the Middle East covering the Syrian crisis. I think she said her grandparents were in Europe for the next few months when I last saw her," Luke informed the woman, suddenly wondering what would happen now. Rory wasn't around. Lorelai's parents weren't. She had no one else.

"Ah. That may make it difficult to contact them," Allison said softly.

"Yes…"

"Does she have any other family in the area?"

"No, not that I know of," Luke told her honestly.

"Well, until we can get in contact with her family, would it be okay if I use this number if I need anymore information?"

"Information?" Luke asked blankly.

"If Miss Gilmore has no family available it would be good for us, as medical staff, to know her medical history. I assume you would know that as her ex-fiance..." Allison trailed off.

Luke stayed silent for a moment. His eyes shifted around the diner quickly and saw all eyes on him, ears focused intently on his end of the conversation

"Could you, ah, give me a moment?" Luke asked Allison.

"Of course."

Luke gripped the phone tightly in his hand, jaw tight.

"Lorelai's been in an accident?" Miss Patty asked softly, brave enough to just ask for confirmation of what she thought had happened.

Luke nodded slowly, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of him.

Caeser chose that moment to walk out of the kitchen. He immediately noted the look on his boss's face. It was not a good face, he knew.

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly, suddenly realising just how silent the diner was.

Luke shook his head. No, he was not okay. Nothing about the situation he was in was okay.

Caeser nodded. He looked around at everyone's shocked faces again. "What happened? Did Taylor tell you about the Old Fashioned Milkshake Shoppe? Or did Kirk set up "Kirk's" again?"

"Caeser, sweetie," Miss Patty said, "Luke's just had a bit of bad news." The older women stood up to physically move Caeser away from Luke, figuring the Mexican's safety might be in jeopardy. Luke had that look on his face, the one one that told everyone to be cautious if they didn't want to be on the receiving end of one of Luke's foul moods.

"Bad news?" Caeser asked. "He looks like someone just told him his dog died, but Luke has never had a dog, not really anyway because Paul Anka was more Lorelai's dog than his…"

Patty winced when Caeser thoughtlessly said Lorelai's name. Everyone watched as Luke closed his hands tightly into fists, obviously trying to control some kind of emotion- pain, or anger, or something else entirely.

"Honey, this is about you-know-who, so let's just leave Luke be for a moment…" Miss Patty said, pulling the man away from Luke then giving him a good shove back towards the kitchen.

The dance teacher turned her gaze back to Luke and asked him, "What are you going to do? You can't just do nothing, Luke. This is Lorelai we're talking about here."

Luke nodded. There was nothing else to say.

Suddenly Zach appeared at his side, saying, "Lane and I will help, Caeser too. Brian might lend a hand too if we get swamped. Don't worry about the diner. Pack and go to her, man, this is your chance."

"Chance?"

"Chance to see her again, dude," Zach elaborated, "And be all Mr. Nice Guy. Chicks dig that."

"Right, right," Luke said. Zach had a point; this was his chance to see her again.

"You should go, doll," Babette chimed in from her seat.

Luke looked around and saw that the rest of his customers- Andrew, Gypsy, Bootsy and half a dozen others- were nodding, agreeing with Babette, Patty and Zach.

Luke raised the phone back up to his ear and told Allison, "Don't worry about ringing me again, I'll come to Boston. She should have someone who knows her there when she wakes up… I should be there in a few hours."

"Oh, you don't have to do that. I'm sure you're very busy," Allison told him politely, wondering what was inspiring him to rush to the side of his ex-fiance. It was an interesting dynamic in their relationship, that was for sure.

"I want to," Luke informed her quickly.

"Alright then… In the meantime, could you give me the contact information for her parents and daughter?"

Luke rattled off the numbers she asked for, then hung up the phone. He looked around at the diner again. Miss Patty and Babette were looking at him with wide eyes, looking a little torn. They had just overheard the scoop of the year- Stars Hollow had been quiet on the gossip front for a few months now- but it wasn't a good thing. The town loved Lorelai Gilmore fiercely. They couldn't be happy about what they had just overheard but they could be happy that Luke had been called.

"It must be a good thing, if they rang Luke first?" Luke heard Babette ask Patty.

"I'm not sure... Did he say Boston?"

"Yeah, Boston..."

Patty paused before asking her fellow broad, "Wasn't Luke in Boston a few months ago? He's been agitated since he came back... Do you think that maybe...?"

Babette's eyes widened as her mind made the connection, "I don't know, maybe... It makes sense..."

Luke cut the diner talk off by saying awkwardly to the room, "I'm going to go, um, pack."

He headed for the stairs. As soon as the curtain swung back across the entrance, he heard the diner erupt in a flurry of conversation. Luke couldn't help but smile a little. He had expected nothing less, and the residents of Stars Hollow had not disappointed. He imagined that they had all pulled out their phones by now to spread the news about Lorelai.

Luke opened the door to the apartment, immediately crossing to the wardrobe in a few quick strides. He pulled out flannel shirts and the few good sweaters he owned. He shoved them into a canvas sack along with a few undershirts and a couple of pairs of jeans.

As he continued to pack a few other necessities, Luke remembered a phone call he had received a few weeks ago which had helped him to make the decision to stop calling Lorelai, in hope that she would pick up eventually.

 _The diner was packed and Luke was busy balancing a pile of plates in his arms when the phone rang. Luke sighed and quickly placed the plates on the counter before he turned to answer the ringing phone._

 _"Hello, Luke's Diner," Luke greeted whoever was on the other end of the phone. He suspected at the back of his mind that it was Tom calling to place an order for lunch. The building crew had been especially busy recently, dealing with a load of new builds- much to Taylor's distaste and Luke's delight- in a new subsection of Stars Hollow. Apparently, small town life was all the rage._

 _"Kate Albright, am I speaking to Luke Danes?" A female asked. Luke frowned. The noise in the diner was making it hard to hear the woman speak._

 _"Hang on, hang on," Luke said into the phone, pulling the cord behind him as he headed into the storeroom to try and get some privacy. From the tone of the woman on the phone, he guessed this had nothing to do with food. "Okay," Luke said as he took a seat on a crate, "Could you repeat that please?"_

 _"Hello, I'm Kate Albright. I was wondering if I was speaking to Luke Danes? I believe he is the owner of the establishment," The woman named Kate repeated for his benefit._

 _"That would be me, yes," Luke responded, wondering why the name sounded familiar._

 _"Good, good. If you have the time, I was hoping I would be able to speak to you about a matter of importance and significant sensitivity," Kate explained loosely._

 _"I've got time," Luke replied simply._

 _"Good. As stated before, my name is Kate. I believe you know my client, Lorelai Gilmore, quite well," Kate said, raising her voice at the end to make her statement questioning._

 _"You could say that," Luke answered, "Are you her shrink?"_

 _"I prefer the term therapist," Kate chastised him quietly._

 _"Sorry."_

 _"I was just calling because Lorelai informed me a few days ago that you ran into each other in a bar," Kate explained to him. "To be honest, I'm concerned. Lorelai was recovering extremely well considering her condition. However recently she has become increasingly agitated. We were making good progress before and I believe seeing you a few weeks ago has brought back a lot of the painful memories she has of your relationship. Now, I know it may be difficult, but if you care for her at all I would appreciate it if you refrain from making any further contact with Lorelai. She's not going to get better if she has to keep pulling herself together after seeing or hearing from you. She's strong, but not that strong. I know you understand that William has already left her in a delicate state, so I'm sure you understand why I'm asking you to do this."_

 _Luke took a moment to process the shrink's request. "Aren't you supposed to confront your problems instead of running away from them?" He asked Kate, feeling like he had heard that somewhere before._

 _"Until you've faced your problems, you can't ever truly move on from something. However, what I'm concerned about right now is that instead of Lorelai moving forward, she has moved backwards as a result of your visit... She isn't going to get better if you force her into facing something she isn't ready for, Mr. Danes," Kate informed him._

 _Luke considered what Kate was telling him. It made sense, and he hated the idea that seeing him had made her worse. God, he never would have left her alone in that apartment or maybe he wouldn't have even said anything to her at the bar at all. "Alright," He agreed finally, "I'll leave Lorelai alone, for her sake."_

 _"Thank you, Mr. Danes," Kate said softly._

 _"I have a question," Luke told her after a moment of silence. His brain was trying to process everything but he had never been a quick thinker. He just needed to know that she was okay, or that she would be okay._

 _"Ask away."_

 _"Is she going to get better? Are her treatments, or whatever, working?"_

 _"I can't discuss that with you. You're not Lorelai, or immediate family," Kate old him._

 _"Oh, okay," Luke said with a sigh, admitting defeat. He knew it had been a long shot. All doctors, including shrinks, were big on the whole patient privacy thing._

 _"Goodbye Mr. Danes. Have a good day," Kate said before hanging up the phone._

 _Luke dropped the phone into his lap, letting out another sigh. Thoughts of regret and feelings of guilt swirled around him as he remembered how Kate had basically accused him of making everything worse. He hated feeling so powerless. He couldn't help Lorelai. He couldn't fix her problems for her. If anything, he had only created more problems._

Luke slung the canvas bag over his shoulder when he was done. In it was everything he could possibly need while he was in Boston. He wasn't sure how long he would be gone for, but he figured he should be prepared. If Rory and Lorelai's parents couldn't get back to help her, he wanted to be the one who was there for her when she needed someone… Just like he used to be.

He hurried down the stairs, hoping the traffic wouldn't be too bad. Lorelai was alone in a hospital, broken and bruised. She needed someone and Luke would be that someone whether she wanted him to be or not.

Lorelai's eyes felt like they were sewn shut. She couldn't find the strength to open them. In fact, she couldn't find the strength to move. It felt like she was weighed down by something- an elephant, maybe?- or covered in a tar-like substance that was seriously restricting any movement. Her mouth was dry and tasted like lead.

And God, everything hurt.

She was aching all over. Her right leg hurt in particular- the same leg she had broken that one time she took a yoga class and had discovered she was a little too competitive for yoga. Her right arm felt like it was wrapped in concrete and her right side was stinging.

She couldn't help the small whimper that escaped her lips.

"Lorelai?" She heard a voice ask her. The voice was familiar but it sounded muffled, like she was underwater and the person speaking was somewhere on land, trying to get her attention.

Lorelai couldn't find any words to respond. She couldn't even remember how to respond. Her lips just wouldn't move so she settled on letting out another whimper of pain because it seemed it was all she could manage.

"Lorelai? It's me, Luke… I'll go get the nurses or something, just hold on… It won't hurt for much longer," The voice told her, trailing off. She heard loud thuds and in the back of her mind she connected that sound with someone walking away.

Luke. The name was familiar. The voice was familiar, but still, she couldn't quite place who the person was.

All she could focus on was the pain which was no longer quite as muted as it was.

Then she heard the heavy thudding sound again, the footstep sound, quickly followed by another set of thudding, not quite as heavy or loud as the first set of thudding footsteps.

Lorelai fought to try and open her eyes. She wanted to see the people who had entered the room and insisted on making the annoying elephant sounds that made her brain feel like it was going to pull a Chernobyl. But her eyes refused to cooperate with her.

She let out another whimper, this time more in annoyance than anything else.

She felt something warm, a hand, she guessed, gently move against the side of her face.

"It's okay, Lorelai, you're okay, safe," The reassuring voice that belonged to Luke said softly.

Lorelai let herself relax. The voice was nice and something told her that she could trust the voice. She was safe, she was going to be okay because the voice told her so.

The hand continued to move, this time over her hair. It was comforting and felt right, natural. Lorelai found herself understanding why dogs, why Paul Anka, liked being petted so much. It was just nice. It wouldn't be that bad, to be a dog, even if you were a nutty one and were scared of everything from peas- frozen or unfrozen- to your own shadow.

As the hand continued to reassure her, Lorelai felt something seeping through her veins. Whatever it was, it was nice. It made her feel like she was floating on a cloud somewhere, detached from all the pain that her body was feeling. The voice murmured something, but Lorelai couldn't hear it. She was too far away on her little cloud of happiness.

Lorelai felt herself slipping a little. Darkness was starting to cloud her mind. She started to panic. She didn't like the dark. She liked all the bright, colourful things in life. But the hand continued to move and the voice continued to murmur soothing words, and she just knew that whatever was happening, it was alright.

She was safe. She was okay. There was nothing to worry about.

The voice said so.

She trusted the voice.

Lorelai believed the person named Luke.

Luke spent hours sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair, in a dimly lit room, eyes fixed on the unmoving form of the woman he loved more than life itself. She had started to wake up a few times but each time she had been in so much pain that he had gone and fetched a nurse.

Every whimper of pain Lorelai let out cut him like a knife. He hated seeing her wrapped up in bandages and plaster like she was, cuts from broken glass covering her face. When he had first walked in and seen her, he had just walked out again. That was how bad it was.

Luke also couldn't help the inexplicable feeling of guilt that weighed heavily in the pit of his stomach. He knew he hadn't caused the crash- no, that honour belonged to the drunken idiot driving the other car- but he had heard the doctors talking. She had stopped driving in the middle of heavy Boston traffic because she was experiencing a panic attack. That was what made him feel guilty because he knew that she only experienced the attacks because of him. He was the dirtbag that had reduced Lorelai Gilmore to an emotional mess. He was the one that had made her feel so bad that seeing someone who looked like him or anything that reminded her of him, could make her feel an overwhelming sense of fear. That was why he felt guilty, and that was one of the reasons why he was continuing his silent vigil. He had barely left her side. The only times he had left was to buy something to eat or drink, or to visit the bathroom, but even then it was only for a few minutes.

Luke wanted to be there when she woke up properly. He wanted to be the one who was there for her, who could explain what had happened. He wanted to be the one to inform her gently that Rory couldn't come home for weeks, because the crisis in Syria was just that bad. He wanted to be the one to inform her that her parents were cutting their Europe trip short and would be home in a few days. He wanted to be the one to give her the baskets of baking and home cooked meals Sookie had sent as an apology for not being able to get away because of her fourth pregnancy, and her responsibilities that were three kids and a husband. Luke just wanted to be the one who was there for her.

"Luke?" Called a soft voice. It was heavy and uncertain, but there was no mistake. The voice belonged to Lorelai Gilmore.

He turned his head to look at her and saw that she had turned her head. She was looking at him with the big blue eyes she shared with Rory and he knew that she was scared.

"Lorelai, you're awake," Luke stated, letting the words slip out of his mouth in a sigh of relief. The darker part of his subconscious had speculated that she might never wake up and he would never get that chance that Zach had talked about.

"I…" Lorelai started, voice still laced with drugs, "I… I can't feel my legs."

Luke stood up quickly and sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to jostle her at all. He knew she probably wouldn't be able to feel it, but he didn't want to risk the chance of causing her anymore pain than he already had.

"Why can't I feel my legs? Or my arms? And why is it so hard to talk?" Lorelai asked him slowly, taking her time as she said the words with difficulty.

"You were in an accident," Luke told her honestly, feeling no need to beat around the bush.

"I was at the mall… The lady held up a blue dress and all I could see was eyes… Then there was a car and it was coming towards me and the song was playing…" Lorelai said, eyes opening even wider as she grew more agitated with every word she spoke. It was all starting to come back to her and she couldn't help but feel the fear start to take over again. Before it took over completely, Luke's hand started to move over her hair again, reassuring her with his touch.

"Shhh, it's okay," Luke told her softly. "Don't think about it just now, alright? The nurses will be in soon and they can talk to you. Just relax, please."

"But the car and the song-"

"Lorelai, don't worry about it, please. It's okay, you're okay. Everything's going to be okay, trust me."

Lorelai looked up at him, eyes moving in and out of focus. "I trust you," She told him with a certainty and conviction he hadn't heard in a very long time, "I trust your voice."

Luke blinked but didn't let her odd comment phase him. He knew the comment would make sense to her and that was all that mattered.

"Where's Rory?"

"In Syria, covering the news story. I talked to her a few hours ago but she can't get home for a few more weeks. She says she's very sorry and she'll ring you later," Luke explained, relaying the information he had been commanded by the younger Gilmore to share.

Lorelai nodded in a way that made him aware that it was taking her a lot of effort to make such a simple and small movement. "Good, she should stay there. She's doesn't need to worry about me," Lorelai said.

"Of course she needs to. She's your daughter and your best friend. Rory loves you," Luke told Lorelai.

"I know but she should focus on her job, not me. I'll be fine. I'm always fine," Lorelai said to herself more than Luke.

"Yeah, you'll be fine," Luke agreed with a small smile.

Lorelai stayed silent for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling.

"Why are you here?" She asked.

"What do you mean?" Luke questioned, confused.

Lorelai swallowed hard then elaborated, "What are you doing here in a hospital with your ex-fiance who hasn't spoken to you in months? Who hasn't spoken to you since a one night stand and has ignored every voicemail, every text, every letter you've sent?"

"Ah, that," Luke responded, understanding. "I was working and I got a call from a nurse. She said they couldn't find any identification for a woman who had been in a car accident and that the diner number was the first number on the speed dial. I knew it was you from the description. But I also knew your parents were away in Europe and that Rory was in Syria because she told me during her last visit that she was going. I didn't want you to be alone so I packed a bag and got in the truck."

"What about the diner?" Lorelai asked him.

"Lane, Zach and Caesar have it covered."

"And April?" Lorelai asked after hesitating.

Luke hadn't missed her hesitation, but figured that would be a conversation best saved for later so he filed it away in the back of his brain. "April understands the situation. She knows how important you are to me."

Lorelai nodded again, with the same amount of difficulty as before. Thinking about April hurt more than she could deal with, so Lorelai quickly pushed the teenager from her mind.

"That's good," She murmured softly, feeling her eyes close of their own accord. She made an attempt to open them again but found that they were too heavy with sleep to lift without considerable force. "Did you bring your toolbox? I think you'll need that pinch-bar of yours to pry my eyes open," Lorelai informed him, through the last few words came out slurred with drugs and tiredness.

Luke laughed softly and told her, "Go to sleep, Lorelai. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Mmm, okay," Lorelai mumbled, already slipping back under.

Luke watched her until her breathing steadied, indicating she had fallen into a deep slumber. It wasn't easy for him to see her like she was, but it was definitely reassuring to him that she was up to making jokes. Whether or not she was using humour to cover up her thoughts or feelings was a whole different issue for him and he knew he'd have to deal with that idea later.

Luke hesitated a moment before he leant over and gently pressed his lips to her forehead. As he pulled back, he took a moment to just look at her. He didn't focus on any of the bruises or the cuts from the accident. Instead he chose to just look at her. He noticed how sweet and peaceful she looked, lost in her drug induced dreams. Her lips were turned up slightly at the corners in a smile. He liked that. It had been a long time since he had seen her smile and even longer since he has seen a genuine, 'Lorelai' smile on her lips. He had no other way to describe that smile, because in his mind it was just her. It was everything she was and it hadn't been all that long ago that he had lived for those smiles. Here had been days in their friendship where he had tried to see how many of those smiles he could earn in one of her short visits to the diner. His record was twelve and every one of those smiles was imprinted forever in his memory. Luke was of the opinion that he wouldn't be able to forget any of them even if he tried.

He stayed by her side for a moment longer before he stood with a sigh. Luke returned to his chair, prepared to continue his silent vigil until she woke again.

"For the last time, Luke, you are going back to Stars Hollow and I am going back to my apartment," Lorelai informed her self-appointed 'caregiver' as she managed to hop around the hospital room on her crutches. She was looking for a magazine Sookie had given her that had inevitably been thrown across the room in a fit of despair after she had discovered that she was a 'summer'. It was a well known fact that if Lorelai Gilmore was a season, she would be 'winter,' because, snow, duh.

Luke watched her progress around the room. A sigh escaped his lips at her words, mainly because they had been having this very argument for the last week. She was being discharged from the hospital. She could go home. But the problem was that the hospital needed to know that she wouldn't be alone in her apartment because of her injuries and because of the ongoing risk of a head injury making its presence known.

Of course, Luke had volunteered.

And of course, Lorelai had shut him down.

But the truth was, she was running out of options.

Sookie couldn't help. Her fourth pregnancy had subjected the bubbly chef to another period of bed rest much to her own horror.

Lorelai's parents had been sent back to Europe by Lorelai herself. Their presence in her life had just been stressing her out so she had told them to go, continue their holiday, and everything would be fine because she had the best doctors and the best friends known to man. Emily had pursed her lips, glanced at Luke who had been sitting in his hospital chair in his customary silence, then had strode out of the room with a bitter, "Fine," as her parting gift. Richard had quickly followed out after saying a hurried goodbye to his daughter.

And the youngest Gilmore, Rory, was still in Syria. Lorelai and Rory had spoken every day on the phone and grainy video calls on Skype, but it hadn't made the situation any better. Rory was far away and she couldn't get back. It was already a dangerous place for a journalist, let alone a female journalist and with the country in turmoil as it was, Lorelai had informed her daughter that she would be not taking any risks because she wanted her best friend and fruit of her loin back in one piece.

"You need to have someone stay in the apartment, Lorelai. No one else has volunteered but me. So that's what happening. I will stay in the apartment with you until you don't need someone anymore… Now that is final," Luke told her firmly.

Lorelai spun around to face him. She shook her head. "This is not another stupid Final Destination movie where I keep trying to outwit fate but eventually it catches up with me and everyone dies anyway. This,' She gestured between them, "Is not final. Not unless I say. I don't answer to any higher being. A car is not going to plow into a café somewhere if I refuse to let you stay at my apartment."

Luke rolled his eyes. He had no clue what she was on about, once again. "Lorelai, I am staying with you until I don't need to anymore. Stop arguing with me," He replied.

"Well, I don't need you," Lorelai responded bluntly.

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes."

"No."

"Ye-"

"No!"

Luke raised his brows at her indignant response. "Getting flustered?"

"Shut up," Lorelai answered, a scowl resting in her face.

Luke did as she bid. If she didn't want him to talk, that was fine. That he didn't care about. The only thing he cared about was her safety.

"You really don't have to, you know,"Lorelai told him softly.

Luke looked at her with raised brows. He didn't say anything.

Lorelai let out an annoyed sigh, "You can speak now. I didn't mean you had to shut up forever."

"Really? Good, I wasn't sure how long you wanted me to shut up-"

"Luke." Lorelai looked at him pointedly, her face serious.

Luke nodded slowly, replying, "I know I don't have to, but I want to."

"Okay," Lorelai said softly, biting her lip. She looked at him for a few moments before she turned her head, unable to continue looking into his eyes. There was too much there.

"Okay," Luke agreed, watching her and noticing how uncomfortable she seemed. It wasn't a nice feeling realising that someone you cared about found spending time with you uncomfortable. He turned his head away as well, not wanting to make her feel worse. Luke moved around her to the hospital chair in the back corner, moving it aside to grab the magazine she had been searching for. "Here," he said as he held the magazine out to her.

"Thanks," Lorelai responded, taking the offering, careful not to meet his intense gaze.

An hour or so later, Luke found himself helping Lorelai up the stairs to her Boston apartment. She had only been on crutches for a few days (she would've been in a wheelchair, but Lorelai had thrown things around her hospital room until the hospital staff had conceded that maybe crutches would be a better alternative) and she was still a little shaky. They tired her out quickly, much to Lorelai's annoyance. Every time she stumbled Luke's hands snaked out to quickly steady her then move away again as fast as possible, only because every time he helped her Luke was on the receiving end of a well aimed glare.

"Stop helping me!" Lorelai told him angrily as he stopped her from falling yet again. They were on the fourth flight of stairs, almost at the apartment, but Lorelai was finding it harder and harder to keep going. Her frustration was finding an outlet in yelling at Luke.

"If I don't help you, you'll fall down three full flights of stairs and you'll probably crack your head open and die a painful death which means I have spent the last two weeks in the hospital with you for nothing," Luke told her gruffly.

"I hate feeling like an invalid," Lorelai muttered as she started heading up the stairs again, feeling a little bad for yelling at him. He didn't deserve it.

Luke couldn't help but roll his eyes at her comment. "You are an invalid," He reminded her, readjusting his hold of their bags. Lorelai had tried to carry her bag and use her crutches for twenty minutes before she realised just how futile her attempts were. She was stubborn to say the least.

"Thanks for the encouragement," Lorelai retorted.

"You're welcome," he responded sagely.

Lorelai let out a sigh as she kept hopping up the stairs, taking them one at a time. It was a slow process but Lorelai was determined to walk the whole way up to her apartment. They could have taken the elevator, but again Lorelai had been too stubborn to take the easy option.

It was another twenty minutes before they made it to the apartment. Lorelai fumbled around for a moment in her purse in her search for the key. Luke had to stop himself from commenting on her messy purse. She found the key and unlocked the door.

Lorelai pushed the door open and hopped inside. Luke followed her into the living area and immediately noticed that several major changes had been implemented in the months they had been apart. She had laid down new carpet, had brought a new sofa set and a new rug. He turned his head and saw she had renovated the entire kitchen- right down to new bar stools and a new bench top.

Luke frowned. She had replaced specific things, that much was clear.

Lorelai noticed him taking in all the differences and told him quietly, "I needed to forget."

He nodded slowly as he realised exactly what she meant. She had got rid of everything that had served as a reminder of that night. That hurt, but he understood why she had needed to do it. Lorelai wasn't the type who could move on if reminders were staring her in the face.

"Just make yourself at home, then," Lorelai told him, quickly diffusing the possibility of an argument or an in depth conversation. There was a time and a place to deal with those issues and now was certainly not the right time.

"What room would you like me to stay in?" Luke asked Lorelai, careful to keep his face neutral. She didn't need to know that he was hurting like he was. It wouldn't help her at all.

Lorelai considered a moment before she told him, "The third door on the left."

Luke nodded, then headed straight down the hall to find the room. When he went inside he noted that it was a simple room, but a nice one. It was decorated in true Lorelai fashion, everything a little different and unique. The fact that she had gotten all the pieces to work together was a true testament to her eye for detail. He couldn't help but notice that the lamp on the bedside table was similar to one they had picked out together when they had renovated the Crap Shack.

He dumped his bag of belongings on the ground, turning his eyes away from the lamp. _You are not here because you're in love with her_ , Luke reminded himself internally, _you're here because you were friends and you owe her for putting her through all the suffering that she went through._

Luke couldn't help but sigh. He was lying to himself, he knew that. He did love her. He had never been able to stop, regardless of how hard he had tried. He had done everything possible to not love her- he had dated, he had kept his distance, he had even made a list of all the reasons he shouldn't love her. Admittedly it was a rather short list, but still, it was a list.

But he knew that Lorelai would probably never come back to him. Luke had hurt her too much. She was a survivor, so he knew that if anything happened between them, she would see it as a mistake. She would want to protect herself from him. She wouldn't be willing to give them another go unless she was certain she could trust him. If the past was anything to go by, she probably couldn't even trust herself to know if he was really 'all in'. Luke had told her that before and then he'd left her at the first sign of trouble.

 _You're an asshole_ , he thought to himself before walking to put Lorelai's bag away in her room.

Upon entry, Luke immediately noticed that she had brought a new bed frame and sheets for her room. She had also replaced the chair in the corner of the room, the night stands and the lounge chair at the end of the bed. He wasn't surprised. He also figured that if he glanced in her ensuite, he would find the room had also been extensively renovated.

Luke let out a sigh as he put her bag down on the chaise at the end of the bed. He couldn't help but think that maybe he shouldn't have forced himself on her like this or maybe he should have searched harder for someone else to stay with her.

"What are you doing in my room?" Lorelai's voice asked from behind him.

Luke jumped at the sudden question. He hadn't heard her approach. Turning around to face her, he saw she was standing in the doorway, looking at him with her brows raised in question. "Jeez, Lorelai," He said, "Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Don't blame me for your inability to hear, Beethoven," Lorelai responded. "And you still haven't answered my question, mister."

Luke rolled his eyes. "I was just putting your bag from the hospital in here so I didn't have to watch you struggle to get it in here for half an hour."

"Oh, well, thanks," Lorelai thanked him softly. Her face looked a little worried, and Luke figured it was because she was wondering if she would have to Extreme Home Make Over the apartment again. "I put some mini pizzas and chicken nuggets on for me. I figured you wouldn't want any but I don't really have any rabbit food in the house besides a bag of lettuce and maybe a tomato, so if you want something I can ring and get a salad delivered?"

Luke watched as she spoke animatedly, covering up any expression of worry. "You thought right. I can't believe you still eat that stuff. It's a wonder you're not dead yet… And, ah, yeah, a salad sounds good. But a salad delivered? I didn't know that they did that."

Lorelai grinned at him and said, "Welcome to Boston, baby!"

Rolling his eyes again, Luke told hers, "Go order my salad."

"Whatever," Lorelai answered, turning on her crutches to go order the salad.

Luke let out a sigh as soon as she was out of hearing distance, before he followed her out to the kitchen area. Lorelai was on the phone already, ordering a salad for him and from the sound of it, a garlic bread and pretzel sticks for herself.

"You're going to have a heart attack," Luke told her bluntly, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the counter.

"But at least I won't die in a car accident," Lorelai replied.

"That isn't funny," Luke told her, "You could've."

"I know."

"And I would've been the first person they would have called," Luke continued.

"I know," Lorelai replied softly. She had thought about that too, late at night in the the hospital when Luke had fallen asleep and she had had a bit of time to herself.

"I would've been the first person to know you had died," He stated.

"I know," Lorelai told him, stressing the 'know' part.

"Do you?" Luke asked.

Lorelai sighed. It seemed they would be discussing the heavy stuff now. "Yes, I do," she informed Luke.

"Because I don't think you do," He told her honestly, "Am I still your first speed dial contact?" He watched as she hesitated to reply, then nodded. He wasn't even surprised. "I told you last time I was here that I miss you and to call me, but you never did. We hadn't talked for months and then I get this phone call, saying that you had been in a car accident while I was working in the diner. Everyone was there- Miss Patty, Babette, Kirk, Andrew, Gypsy- they all heard my end of the conversation which wasn't particularly eloquent if I'm being honest with you. Words and stuff weren't my hottest priority right at that moment... But if they had called to find out the identity of a dead woman- a dead you- I don't know what I would've done, Lorelai. I honestly have no clue if I could have even-"

Lorelai interrupted his rant with a forceful, "I know."

He let out a sigh. Luke couldn't quite believe that she knew that it physically hurt him to imagine what it would have been like to find out like that.

"If you want," Lorelai told him, 'I'll take you off my speed dial."

Luke shook his head. "No, it has to be me, doesn't it? Rory's always away. Your parents are getting older and Sookie has her own family to worry about," Luke explained his reasoning. As much as he would hate to experience a similar phone call to the one he had had about her car accident, it was also potentially the only way he would ever know if something major happened in her life.

"Okay then," Lorelai said, "Look, I know you have a lot of questions, didactic Socrates, and we have a lot of things to talk about but could we talk about all of that really heavy stuff in two weeks? I need some time to gather my thoughts and heal and mope and all those things. I'm just not ready, Luke."

"Heavy stuff?"

Lorelai nodded slowly.

"I'm going to need you to elaborate a little on that," Luke said, eyebrows furrowing.

Lorelai sighed before she muttered, "April, Christopher, our relationship, Andrew and Gypsy's wedding, the Boston Bar Incident... The list goes on, I'm sure."

He looked at her for a while before he just asked, "Two weeks?"

"Two weeks," Lorelai agreed, "We'll take two weeks to clear our heads and figure out what we want to say and then… And then we will talk, all day and the next day if we have to."

"You think that will fix everything?" Luke questioned.

"No, I really don't think it will fix everything, Luke… But I think it'll be a start."

"Alright then."

"Deal?"

"Deal."

Lorelai smiled at Luke before saying, "I think my nuggets and pizza will be ready by now."

"I'll get them out for you," He told her, moving around her to do so. "Go sit down, pick a movie. I'll bring them over on a plate."

"Okay," Lorelai said a little too happily, giving Luke the sneaking suspicion that getting him to do the things he had suggested had been her plan all along, "Can you put some sauce on the plate? Should be some in the fridge."

"Sure," Luke responded, before adding, "Don't choose anything too girly."

"Don't worry, I will," Lorelai answered cheekily as she hopped over into the living room.

Luke sighed, busying himself with putting her meal together. Two weeks seemed like an awfully long time to him. In that time, anything could happen. Who knew if they would even be speaking to each other in two weeks?

"It's only two weeks, then you will have all the answers you need," Luke told himself quietly under his breath, "Just don't screw it up."

"Are you coming, Jeeves?" Lorelai called brightly from the other room, all too happy to treat him like the live-in manservant he had offered to be.

"Yeah, I'm coming, hold your horses," Luke told her, as he carried her plate of death and diabetes through into the lounge.

They sat down together on the couch to watch the movie Lorelai had picked out, "Martha Marcy May Marlene". Lorelai munched her way through her plate of food and Luke ate his salad, which had arrived not too long after the movie had started.

Lorelai made fun of the acting cast, calling them out for their over dramatic portrayals of paranoia and the abusive cult the main character had escaped from. Luke sat and listened to her comments, occasionally joining in with one of his own, creating a light natural banter between the two that was painfully reminiscent of old times.

When the movie ended, Luke took the plates to do the dishes. Lorelai followed behind him on her crutches, asking for his opinion on the movie.

"It was okay I guess. I think I liked that other one better, that Casa-something one, that you made me watch years ago," Luke admitted as he ran water in the sink.

"Really?" Lorelai asked, surprised. "You liked Casablanca more?"

"Yeah. This one was a little bit too nutty. The other one was fruity, not nutty," Luke told her.

"'Fruity, not nutty,'" Lorelai parroted, her lips pursed to hold back laughter at Luke's explanation of the two very different films. "You my friend, are a true connoisseur," She commented.

"Yeah well, let me choose the film tomorrow night and I'll show what a good film looks like," Luke told her, reaching for a tea towel to dry the dishes he had washed.

Lorelai let an indignant snort, "I don't think so, Mr-I-Know-Nothing-About-Good-Films."

"Oh, come on, Lorelai. I'm going to be here for weeks. You can at least let me choose one film," Luke said in an attempt at coercion.

"Ah, no," Lorelai replied, "And weeks? You'll be gone as soon as possible, let me assure you of that. I don't need a babysitter."

"Well, I have at least two weeks," Luke reminded her as he put the plates and their cutlery away,

Lorelai nodded, falling into silence at the mention of their impending 'talk'. She was pretty sure there would be more yelling and crying than actual talking.

"You should go to sleep," Luke told her quietly.

"Yeah, I will," Lorelai replied, glad of the excuse to leave, "Good night, Luke."

"Good night, Lorelai," Luke responded.

Lorelai made her way to her room, trying not to think about what would happen in two weeks. She knew she needed to figure out other things before she even touched that. One of those things was how she felt about Luke. She had spent the last few months ping-ponging between hate and guilt and sadness and longing and something akin to love.

She managed to get changed into an old t-shirt and pyjama shorts by herself, a feat she was very proud of and pleased about. Asking Luke for assistance would have been a little bit too embarrassing for her. Lorelai also successfully brushed her teeth and hair as well before she slipped beneath the covers of her bed.

Then she was lying alone, in the dark, with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company.

Did she still love Luke?

It was a very simple question with an incredibly complicated answer.

She didn't even know where to begin to answer that question.

Yes, she did have feelings for him but it wasn't obvious if they were residual feelings from when they were together. Were they even real feelings? Or were they some weird part of her imagination? She was still full of pain killers after all. Or was it just that she still liked the idea of him? Luke, the diner man, the best friend, the handy man, the protector.

Lorelai had no clue.

The only thing she knew as she lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling, was that she was incredibly lonely. She missed having Luke in her life. She missed Stars Hollow. But she knew that thinking about actually going back would mean seriously confronting the reason behind her recurring panic attacks. It would mean a lot of pain- physical and emotional.

Lorelai lay in her bed for at least another hour before she couldn't handle it anymore. Even if she didn't love him, she missed him. She missed having someone to hold her, friend or otherwise.

She pulled herself up off the bed and fumbled for her crutches in the dark. Lorelai made her way to the door, opened it, then slipped out quietly into a dark hallway. She tiptoed over to Luke's bedroom door and hesitated outside. Did she go in? Was he sleeping?

"You can come in, Lorelai," She heard Luke call from inside the room.

Lorelai couldn't help the sheepish smile that spread over her lips as she opened the door to his room. Luke was sitting up, leaning backwards on the headboard.

"How did you know?" Lorelai asked him.

"Your crutches aren't exactly quiet," Luke explained with a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

"Sorry," Lorelai apologized, "I wasn't sure if you would be awake or not."

"I know," Luke responded, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, I just couldn't sleep," Lorelai told him.

Luke raised his brows. That couldn't be the only reason. She wouldn't have made the effort to cross the hall in the darkness on her crutches otherwise.

"I've missed you," Lorelai admitted softly, honestly.

"I've missed you too," Luke informed her quietly, before patting the empty space beside him on the bed. "Come in, you can stay with me. It might help us both sleep."

Lorelai looked at him before nodding. "I'd like that," She told him, before hopping over to the left side of the bed. She put her crutches down then got in beside him. "Thanks," she murmured softly as he helped her by holding up the covers as she maneuvered her plastered leg in between the sheets.

"No problem," he answered.

"I didn't come here to make anything awkward between us," Lorelai said after a moment of silence, "I know we haven't sorted out what we are to each other, or where we stand."

"It's okay, Lorelai," Luke told her, "Tonight, we're just friends."

"Just friends," Lorelai repeated softly.

"Just friends who are sleeping together entirely platonically because they've missed each other after not seeing each other for a very long time," Luke elaborated.

"Right," Lorelai murmured. She didn't think they could ever be just friends, but tonight, she was willing to be platonic if it meant that she could have him close to her. Luke Danes was her security blanket when he was near her.

"You can use me as a pillow," Luke told her softly.

"Thanks," Lorelai said, shuffling over a little to rest her head on his chest. She could feel the his warm breath in her hair. It was a nice feeling.

"Go to sleep, Lorelai, you need your rest."

"Okay, Luke," Lorelai replied as her mouth opened in an involuntary yawn.

"Good night, Lorelai," Luke whispered into her mop of brown curls.

"Good night, Luke," Lorelai murmured back against the white cotton shirt that covered his upper body.

Luke waited until he was sure she was fast asleep before he whispered softly, "Sweet dreams, Lorelai." He pressed his lips to the top of her head before he let himself fall asleep, feeling more content than he had for a very long time.

"I'm bored," Lorelai announced to the living room, which was empty except for Luke. He was sitting quite comfortably on the couch flicking through a fishing magazine.

"I know," Luke responded, not bothering to look up. Lorelai had been bored since day one of her 'house arrest,' as she so fondly called it.

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "How would you know? You've been reading that useless magazine for the past three hours and you haven't been paying any attention to me at all," She told him.

"You've been flicking through television channels like a madman for the last hour, you keep jiggling your leg up and down like you're on steroids and every half hour you mindlessly say "I'm bored" like I can somehow fix it," Luke answered, turning the pages of his magazine.

Lorelai sighed in defeat. He was right.

"How about you call Rory?" Luke suggested the minute she started humming.

"She's off the grid for the next two days," Lorelai informed him.

"What about Sookie?"

"She's pregnant with three kids and Jackson. Too busy."

"Alright, try Babette or Miss Patty," Luke proposed, desperately trying to think of other people she could annoy to give him another half an hour of peace. Lorelai could be ridiculously annoying when she was bored. The fact that Luke had only left the apartment to get groceries and magazines wasn't helping either. He was cooped up and getting more and more irritable by the second. It was taking everything in him to not just yell at Lorelai to shut up for five minutes. He had forgotten how she could talk incessantly for hours on end, like her life depended on it or something.

"And have them ask me how many times we've bonked on the kitchen counter?" Lorelai retorted.

Luke sighed. "Michel? Your parents?"

"No and um, really no."

"Kirk?"

"Now you're getting desperate," Lorelai commented.

"And you're getting annoying."

"It's what makes me so lovable," Lorelai informed Luke sagely.

Luke looked up at that to give her a pointed look. "Watch a movie, read a book, listen to music. Just do something," He told her, making the decision to not comment on exactly how unlovable he was finding her right then.

"I could talk to you," Lorelai said, as if the idea had only just occurred to her.

"Or you could not," Luke replied.

"I think talking to you till you decide to entertain me will be much more enjoyable."

"To you, not me, right?"

"Right."

"You know when I agreed to watch you I didn't sign on to provide entertainment like some kind of live-in comedian?" Luke asked her.

"It was in the fine print," Lorelai answered him with a grin.

Luke sighed. "Alright, go get changed, I'm taking you out of this stupid apartment. We're going to get you some DVDs, then I'll buy you pizza, ice cream and a milkshake," He said as he stood up, placing his magazine on the coffee table.

"A chocolate milkshake and chunky monkey?" Lorelai asked, her face lighting up like a childs on Christmas morning.

"Whatever you want," Luke informed her.

Lorelai stood up quickly, grabbed her crutches and sped towards her room as fast as her cast leg allowed.

Luke hurried back into the living room, stowing his phone away in his pocket. He stopped in the doorway, letting out a tired sigh at the sight before him.

Lorelai was laid out on the couch, an open bottle of red nail polish beside her on the coffee table, a pile of magazines resting on her stomach supporting the weight of a mini pizza and a bag of Cheetos as she watched- another- Lifetime movie.

"What?" Lorelai asked, barely turning around.

"I told you I was going to make dinner," Luke reminded her.

"So?" Lorelai retorted, placing another Cheeto in her mouth.

Luke rolled his eyes, walking around so he was in front of the television, blocking her view.

"Hey!" Lorelai said indignantly, "That was totally uncalled for."

"It was the only way to get your attention."

"You're blocking The Donna Yaklich Story," Lorelai complained, stretching her neck to try and get a better view of the television.

Luke rolled his eyes. "Donna Yaklich is not good pre-bedtime viewing," He told her.

"What? I have a bedtime now?" Lorelai asked, her voice not hiding her disdain for the concept.

"Last night you went to bed at four in the morning," Luke reminded her, "Now, I don't know about you, but when the doctor says rest, I think he meant for you to get more than a couple of hours of sleep a night."

"Doctor, schmocter," Lorelai muttered, furrowing her brows a little, "And anyway, Reviving Ophelia and Happy Face Killer are unappreciated works of art that demanded my attention."

"They're terrible movies that you've seen at least three times."

Lorelai pouted a little. He was right. He was always right.

"And Donna Yaklich is the worst of them all," Luke continued, crossing his arms over his chest.

Lorelai's mouth fell open in horror. "Excuse me? Donna Yaklich is a masterpiece, a true classic. It follows the harrowing story of a young Donna through a series of flashbacks as she recounts to her son why she murdered her husband. There is violence and tears, steroids and conspiracies, prison and reunited loved ones. What's not to love?" She asked rhetorically, finishing with a dramatic sigh.

"The whole thing."

"You never did appreciate true cinematic masterpieces," Lorelai told him, returning her attention back to the food resting on her stomach.

"Would you stop eating that crap? I'm making you Fettucine Alfredo," Luke asked her. He knew that his request was futile but there was a little bit of hope niggling at the back of his mind, wrongly thinking that Lorelai might actually listen to him for once.

Lorelai looked up at him with disbelieving eyes, informing him, "If I can eat four Thanksgiving dinners in one day, I think I can handle a bag of Cheeto's, a mini pizza and some pasta."

"Fine," Luke sighed in defeat, holding his hands up in surrender. "But if you can't eat the pasta, that's on you."

"Sure, sure," Lorelai replied, gesturing him to move out of the way so she could watch her movie.

Before Luke could respond, Lorelai's cellphone rang. She groaned as she moved her stack of magazines and food off her, swinging her legs around so she was in a sitting position. She answered the ringing phone just as Luke gave up and headed back to the kitchen.

Luke moved around the counter to the stove, grabbing hold of the wooden spoon resting in a saucepan. He stirred the sauce around absentmindedly, as he tried not to wonder who Lorelai was talking to in the other room. Since the accident Lorelai had received many calls from her parents, from Rory, from Sookie and Michel, but Luke had noted that there were also a number of calls she had declined to answer after reading the Caller ID. He had originally thought that the calls were coming from William, but that theory had fallen through when Luke had realised she only answered certain calls if he wasn't in the room.

He checked the pasta to find that it was almost cooked, much to his own relief.

Luke pottered around in the kitchen for a good ten minutes, cleaning up as he went and occasionally adding another sprig of parsley or thyme to his sauce. He eventually worked himself up to head back out into the lounge, to find Lorelai putting her phone back down on the table.

"Who was that?" Luke asked, a little too casually, as he sat down at the other end of the couch.

Lorelai pursed her lips. It was very clear that she didn't want to tell him who she had talking to. Instead, she resumed her previous position on the couch, lying down and placing her stack of magazines, pizza and bag of chips back on her stomach.

Luke pulled her feet so hat they were resting on his lap before he said, warningly, "Lorelai."

"Luke," Lorelai responded in exactly the same tone.

"This whole living in peace for five more days thing isn't going to work if you can't be honest with me," Luke replied.

"This whole living in peace for five more days thing isn't going to work if you keep asking personal and probing questions" Lorelai refuted.

Luke cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really."

"You don't think I have a right to know who you were talking to?" Luke asked.

"Nope," Lorelai answered.

"And why not?"

"Because it was my private business."

"Okay, if you're not telling me, it must be because you it will make me angry," Luke reasoned out loud.

Lorelai stayed silent, letting Luke know that he was on the right track.

"So who was it? Jason? Max Medina? Christopher?"

"Uh, I haven't spoken to Max in years. Jason isn't speaking to me since Sookie tricked him into thinking his apartment was on fire and Christopher couldn't care less about me right now if he didn't think we'd somehow end up sleeping together again."

"So then who was it?" Luke asked, trying to ignore the spark of pain at the mention of sleeping with Rory's father 'again'.

"I told you, it's none of your business," Lorelai informed him with a roll of her eyes.

Luke sighed, turning his attention to the crappy movie she had been watching. He was seething a little. It was incredibly frustrating for him to not know what was going on in her life, especially when he thought they had made a bit of progress.

"My therapist."

"What?" Luke asked, head snapping around to look at Lorelai, who looked as contrite as much as Lorelai was able.

"My therapist rang," Lorelai admitted, eyes a little downcast.

"Alright," Luke allowed, trying to figure out exactly why she had been trying to keep that from him.

Lorelai must have seen the confusion on his face because she quickly offered an explanation, "She wanted to ask how I was doing considering everything."

"Considering the accident?" Luke asked, wanting clarification.

"Well, that, and you."

"Me?"

"You being here, with me, in the apartment, all the time," Lorelai explained further, her gaze slipping downwards.

"Oh, that," Luke answered.

"Yeah, that," Lorelai agreed.

They fell into a prickly silence.

"What did you tell her?" Luke asked, after a while. He really didn't want therapy to become another issue they would have to fight about when they had their 'talk.'

Lorelai considered what she was going to say before she opened her mouth. It was one of the more interesting differences in her personality Luke had noticed during their time together. She had become more weary of what she was going to say. Lorelai thought things through now, and Luke could only speculate as to why that was. He figured the habit had developed as a result of the therapy, but he suspected it was more than just that. "I told her that we were good," Lorelai informed Luke, rather simply.

"Are we?"

"Good?"

"Yeah."

"We are."

"Did she say anything else?" Luke inquired.

"She asked when I would be able to come into therapy again," Lorelai replied.

"Oh," Luke said, before asking, "What did you say?"

"I said I could probably get a taxi in to see her whenever it worked," Lorelai answered. "It wouldn't be too much of an issue and I wanted to get out of the house anyway."

"I could drive you," Luke offered.

"That would be good," Lorelai agreed.

Silence prevailed yet again. It stretched between them for at least five minutes before Lorelai gathered enough courage to ask what was on her mind.

"And, there was something else Kate wanted," Lorelai admitted.

"What was that?" Luke asked.

"She wanted to know if you would agree to talk to her," Lorelai said, a little too quietly.

Luke paused before he nodded. "I'll talk to Kate."

"Okay," Lorelai said softly, a quiet drifting between them again as they both turned their attention back to the television. She had asked and he had agreed. That was that.


End file.
